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Jimmy Carter Announces He's Still Alive

ATLANTA, GA-- At a Carter Center press conference in Atlanta on August 20, former President Jimmy Carter confirmed that he is in fact still alive.
 
“Yep, here I am,” said President Carter. “In the flesh.”
 
Carter’s announcement was met with shock and confusion from the public.
 
“What are you talking about?” said Cambridge resident Henderson Pierce. “Jimmy Carter died in, like 2004. It was on TV and stuff.”
 

Aaron Carter and Smash Mouth to Headline Star-Studded Yardfest This Spring

In response to the growing dissatisfaction with recent Yardfests, the College Events Board announced this past week that pre-teen pop sensation Aaron Carter and notorious pop-punk quintet Smash Mouth will headline what promises to be an unprecedented Yardfest, featuring the likes of Vanilla Ice, Baha Men, Nickelback and Rebecca Black.