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Gnome Chomsky Criticizes U.S. Hedgemony

WALTHAM, MA — In a conference for Boston-area academics last night, leading intellectual Gnome Chomsky issued a statement criticizing U.S. hedgemony.

Harvard Replaces Academic Advisors with Bots that Text Students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” Every Three Seconds

Citing recent findings that Harvard students are needy little bitches, Harvard officials declared this morning that the University will replace all academic advisors with messenger bots that text students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” every three seconds. 

The decision occurred after the release of this year’s Crimson survey, which revealed that 89% of undergraduates have a dire need for unconditional affirmation.