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Harvard Replaces Academic Advisors with Bots that Text Students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” Every Three Seconds

Citing recent findings that Harvard students are needy little bitches, Harvard officials declared this morning that the University will replace all academic advisors with messenger bots that text students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” every three seconds. 

The decision occurred after the release of this year’s Crimson survey, which revealed that 89% of undergraduates have a dire need for unconditional affirmation.  

Resume Absolutely Cannot Fit Onto Less Than Four Pages, Freshman Informs Adviser

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Erin H. Miller ’20, a freshman in Thayer, informed her adviser on Monday that she absolutely cannot—under any circumstances—fit her resume onto fewer than four pages.

The showdown occurred when Melissa P. Williams, a lecturer in Economics, suggested that Miller condense her resume to one page as she applies for summer internships.