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Only By Reuniting Simon and Garfunkel Can We Heal the Wounds of This Divided Nation

Simon and Garfunkel, back in the day
Right now, our nation is more divided than ever before. The country is in shambles, the promise of America has been broken, and an unprecedented strain has been placed on our political system. In this hour of darkness, America needs an old friend– or perhaps two old friends, united as one musical act. Only by reuniting the incomparable folk rock duo Simon and Garfunkel can we finally heal the wounds of this divided nation.
 

Enlightened Aficionado Refuses to Tip After Study Abroad

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Area savant Michael Goldberg returned Monday after what sources describe as a “transformative” summer abroad in England, Spain, and France. After two months of immersion in European art, literature, and language, Goldberg revealed that he would no longer subscribe to the barbaric American norm of tipping.

Other Things Jeb! Bush Has Called "America"

After GOP presidential candidate Jeb! Bush posted a photo of a personalized handgun on social media with the caption “America” that was met with resounding support and rousing patriotism, Satire V sent its crack investigators to find out exactly what else Jeb! feels symbolizes the Land of the Free. These colors don’t run, baby:
 
Beyonce
Flyover states
Shrubberies
Supersonic 5.1-Channel Surround Sound
Stephen Colbert (And So Can You)
The Germanic languages

Millions of Americans Now Believe They Give a Shit About Soccer

MANAUS - Despite having little understanding of the rules and feeling uncomfortable with the lack of commercial breaks, millions of people throughout the United States now genuinely believe they give a fuck about soccer.

"I love America, so of course I love #USMNT too," wrote first-time die hard soccer fan Kevin Williams in an e-mail to Satire V. Williams noted "It was total bullshit that they gave Portugal five extra minutes to score that goal, they normally only give a minute or two," showing a clear lack of understanding for how injury time is added.

America Not Ready for Fossil Fuels to Pull Out, Not Yet

Although America knows the risks involved, it just isn't ready for fossil fuels to pull out, not yet. Friends like Britain and France have reminded America about the scare it had a few years ago when fossil fuels spilled all over its coast, but America has responded that that was "one time" and "it's not like there were any permanent consequences." 

Race-Blind America Keeps Walking Into Racial Walls, Falling Over Racial Objects

America, which has recently become “race-blind”, has been increasingly struggling to live a sighted life in a world that still seems pervaded by race. 

According to multiple sources, this past week has been particularly rough for race-blind America.