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Area Woman Lost in Thought, Presumed Dead

A woman in a black hole.

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
 
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."
 

Area Man Swears He’s Usually Able to Pull off Party Trick

ROCHESTER, NY – Sources close to Ronald Simpson, 26, confirmed that, after three attempts, he was unable to flick a beer bottle cap into a garbage can approximately ten feet away at a small party on Saturday night.

Simpson assured those watching, “Normally I can do it. Damnit.” He later pointed out, “These bottle caps are weird, definitely different than the ones I’m used to.”

Local Coffee Bean Afraid to Try Grinder

BREAKFAST BLEND, MA - A local coffee bean has been having some second thoughts about whether it really wants to try the grinder. But after weeks of no action, this bean thinks it may be time to use the appliance soon, even if it does have some reservations.

The bean, purchased 20 days ago, has always been forward-thinking and accepting of its own desires. “It’s not that I have anything against beans who’ve already tried the grinder. In fact, I completely respect their choice to do that. I’m just worried about putting myself out there like that.”

Report: You Have Same Plates at Home

HARRIET’S HOUSE – Reports from the monthly dinner party at Harriet’s place indicate that you have the same plates that she used for serving dinner in your kitchen cabinet at home.

“Oh really?” replied Harriet when you mentioned that you have the same plates at home. “Well, would you look at that!”

Other dinner party guests were similarly shocked by the coincidence.  

“Wow!” exclaimed Ted. “What a coincidence!”

However, other guests were more skeptical. 

Probably Experiencing Urgent Emergency, Area Man Forced to Leave Shopping Cart in Middle of Parking Lot

Brooksville, VT – Breaking the calm of a late fall afternoon, Jordan McTownish left his shopping cart smack in the middle of the local Phil’s Organics parking lot.

The slowly lilting cart was narrowly missed by a backing-out blue Toyota Prius, and then careened slowly into a parked neon green Toyota Prius.

“Sure, it’s annoying that the cart was left out,” mused shopper Francine Dawson, as she loaded organic squash into the trunk of her fire-engine red Prius. “But look – the shopping cart return is only thirty five feet away. It must have been an emergency.”

Chris Shows Up to Potluck with Granola Bars Again

MILWAUKEE, WI – Chris Goodman, 26, was seen entering the home of Joe Wilkinson for a potluck dinner Saturday carrying– once again– nothing but a box of granola bars.

Area Man Yells at TV, Changes Sports Outcome

BOSTON, MA - After a lifetime of insisting to his wife that homegrown enthusiasm really can change the spirit of a sports game, 56-year-old Bob Leftwich finally emerged victorious after the Patriots miraculously won the Super Bowl on a last minute touchdown.

Somehow balancing an open beer on his gut without spilling, Leftwich grew increasingly livid at his TV when Tom Brady wasn’t producing the god-like plays that he expected.

According to sources, he took his anger out on the referees, screaming at them, “Hey ref, can I pet your seeing-eye dog?”

Area Man Unsure Which Dual-Function Flush Option Best Suits His Needs

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After carefully taking a look at the diagram, local resident Austin E. Shewster was overheard in a Harvard restroom Monday furiously debating which dual-function flush option best suited his needs. Observing the sodden, indeterminate mess he had just expelled, Shewster contemplated whether to pull up or push down on the cheery green germ-protected handle. “Pulling up on the handle (liquid waste) uses a mere 1.1 gallons of water, while pushing down uses 1.6 gallons of precious life-giving fluid”, he muttered anxiously to himself.

Area Man Begins Crossing Sevens to Revitalize Life

KANSAS CITY, MO—Joseph Allenby, 38, a local unemployed man, has made a drastic change in his life, making the effort to begin crossing the number seven in his everyday handwriting.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” Allenby announced in an exclusive interview last week. “My wife left me a few years back, my son hates me, and I am completely out of motivation.”

Allenby says he was clearly out of touch with his former happiness. “Something needed to change.”

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