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Area Man

Area Man Can't Figure Out Untranslated Italian Menu Items

menu

McKEESPORT, PA – Folding and refolding his white cloth napkin in his lap, area man John P. Stevens tried on Tuesday to order something really good at an Italian restaurant but could not figure out the untranslated menu items.

“Okay, let’s see here," said Stevens, fixing the collar of his plaid shirt and unsheathing his mobile phone from its place on his belt. "We’ve got pappardelle pancetta and campanelle with soppressata. Is that a type of espresso or something? Why do they have the desserts grouped up here with the entrées?"

Area Man Unsure How Quiet Night in Became Watching Russian Car Crash Videos Until 4 a.m.

man in bed
BOSTON, MA — Exhausted and utterly bewildered, area man David W. Flender has no idea how his quiet night in turned into watching Russian car crash videos until 4 a.m. 

“I had a pretty grueling week, so I decided to stay at home on Friday night and catch up on some much-needed sleep,” said the financial analyst, who instead ended up watching over 20 compilation videos of motor vehicle accidents, which included light scrapes, pileups, rollovers, and head-on collisions.
 

Area Man Just Doing What He Loves

A man playing a guitar
SAN DIEGO, CA — Sources say area man Aidan May '20 is just doing what he loves. 
 
After spending an afternoon hanging out with his hometown friends, May reportedly laid in his bed for an hour practicing the guitar and listening to his favorite Michael Bublé album. Later, he drove to his local Sonic blasting Sara Bareilles' "King of Anything," feeling good about his classic vanilla milkshake and crispy chicken tenders.  
 

Area Man Finally Thinks — Really Thinks — About Dinosaurs

A man thinks about dinosaurs
CLEVELAND, OH – Harold Daley, local Big Lots cashier, sat down on Friday to finally have a long, hard think about the beautiful behemoth reptilian kings who once roamed the Earth. Until now, Daley had somehow managed to live for 52 years without allocating a solid chunk of time to think about dinosaurs and nothing but dinosaurs.

Prior to Friday, Daley explained, “I’d seen the bones in museums, sure. But I never thought about how they were really here, skin and all. Wowee. Walking around, and doing stuff, right where I’m standing. Right at the Big Lots.”

This Woman Is So Chill, She is Frozen and Dead of Hypothermia

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Impressed by her consistently relaxed, carefree attitude, sources close to area woman Cate Weiss report that she is so chill she is actually frozen and dead of hypothermia.

Friends of Ms. Weiss expected her to be upset after they collectively bailed on her 21st birthday party by texting that they were “too busy” to attend. 

Area Man Will Have What You’re Having

BEND, OR – After careful deliberation and an exhaustive review of every item on the menu, Earl Johnson, out to lunch with you at a local diner, will just have whatever it is you’re having.

Johnson, dressed in his best Hawaiian shirt and third-best pair of cargo shorts, was presented with the menu as you were seated and opened it with gusto. His confidence soon waned, however, as he discovered the mammoth extent of the pages’ contents.

Area Man Pretends He Did Not Intend To Pour That Much Syrup

Des Moines, IA– On a business trip from Green Bay, businessman Erik Benson feigned alarm when, for the second morning, he totally accidentally drowned his entire plate in maple syrup in line at the complimentary continental buffet.

“Holy moly, that came out really fast,” Benson warned no one in particular. Hurrying through the rest of the buffet, Benson proceeded to the company dining area, where he subtly adjusted his pant seam before sitting down.

Area Woman Lost in Thought, Presumed Dead

A woman in a black hole.

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
 
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."
 

Area Man Swears He’s Usually Able to Pull off Party Trick

ROCHESTER, NY – Sources close to Ronald Simpson, 26, confirmed that, after three attempts, he was unable to flick a beer bottle cap into a garbage can approximately ten feet away at a small party on Saturday night.

Simpson assured those watching, “Normally I can do it. Damnit.” He later pointed out, “These bottle caps are weird, definitely different than the ones I’m used to.”

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