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Area Man

Area Man Finally Thinks — Really Thinks — About Dinosaurs

A man thinks about dinosaurs
CLEVELAND, OH – Harold Daley, local Big Lots cashier, sat down on Friday to finally have a long, hard think about the beautiful behemoth reptilian kings who once roamed the Earth. Until now, Daley had somehow managed to live for 52 years without allocating a solid chunk of time to think about dinosaurs and nothing but dinosaurs.

Prior to Friday, Daley explained, “I’d seen the bones in museums, sure. But I never thought about how they were really here, skin and all. Wowee. Walking around, and doing stuff, right where I’m standing. Right at the Big Lots.”

This Woman Is So Chill, She is Frozen and Dead of Hypothermia

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Impressed by her consistently relaxed, carefree attitude, sources close to area woman Cate Weiss report that she is so chill she is actually frozen and dead of hypothermia.

Friends of Ms. Weiss expected her to be upset after they collectively bailed on her 21st birthday party by texting that they were “too busy” to attend. 

Area Man Will Have What You’re Having

BEND, OR – After careful deliberation and an exhaustive review of every item on the menu, Earl Johnson, out to lunch with you at a local diner, will just have whatever it is you’re having.

Johnson, dressed in his best Hawaiian shirt and third-best pair of cargo shorts, was presented with the menu as you were seated and opened it with gusto. His confidence soon waned, however, as he discovered the mammoth extent of the pages’ contents.

Area Man Pretends He Did Not Intend To Pour That Much Syrup

Des Moines, IA– On a business trip from Green Bay, businessman Erik Benson feigned alarm when, for the second morning, he totally accidentally drowned his entire plate in maple syrup in line at the complimentary continental buffet.

“Holy moly, that came out really fast,” Benson warned no one in particular. Hurrying through the rest of the buffet, Benson proceeded to the company dining area, where he subtly adjusted his pant seam before sitting down.

Area Woman Lost in Thought, Presumed Dead

A woman in a black hole.

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
 
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."
 

Area Man Swears He’s Usually Able to Pull off Party Trick

ROCHESTER, NY – Sources close to Ronald Simpson, 26, confirmed that, after three attempts, he was unable to flick a beer bottle cap into a garbage can approximately ten feet away at a small party on Saturday night.

Simpson assured those watching, “Normally I can do it. Damnit.” He later pointed out, “These bottle caps are weird, definitely different than the ones I’m used to.”

Local Coffee Bean Afraid to Try Grinder

BREAKFAST BLEND, MA - A local coffee bean has been having some second thoughts about whether it really wants to try the grinder. But after weeks of no action, this bean thinks it may be time to use the appliance soon, even if it does have some reservations.

The bean, purchased 20 days ago, has always been forward-thinking and accepting of its own desires. “It’s not that I have anything against beans who’ve already tried the grinder. In fact, I completely respect their choice to do that. I’m just worried about putting myself out there like that.”

Report: You Have Same Plates at Home

HARRIET’S HOUSE – Reports from the monthly dinner party at Harriet’s place indicate that you have the same plates that she used for serving dinner in your kitchen cabinet at home.

“Oh really?” replied Harriet when you mentioned that you have the same plates at home. “Well, would you look at that!”

Other dinner party guests were similarly shocked by the coincidence.  

“Wow!” exclaimed Ted. “What a coincidence!”

However, other guests were more skeptical. 

Probably Experiencing Urgent Emergency, Area Man Forced to Leave Shopping Cart in Middle of Parking Lot

Brooksville, VT – Breaking the calm of a late fall afternoon, Jordan McTownish left his shopping cart smack in the middle of the local Phil’s Organics parking lot.

The slowly lilting cart was narrowly missed by a backing-out blue Toyota Prius, and then careened slowly into a parked neon green Toyota Prius.

“Sure, it’s annoying that the cart was left out,” mused shopper Francine Dawson, as she loaded organic squash into the trunk of her fire-engine red Prius. “But look – the shopping cart return is only thirty five feet away. It must have been an emergency.”

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