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Area Man

Probably Experiencing Urgent Emergency, Area Man Forced to Leave Shopping Cart in Middle of Parking Lot

Brooksville, VT – Breaking the calm of a late fall afternoon, Jordan McTownish left his shopping cart smack in the middle of the local Phil’s Organics parking lot.

The slowly lilting cart was narrowly missed by a backing-out blue Toyota Prius, and then careened slowly into a parked neon green Toyota Prius.

“Sure, it’s annoying that the cart was left out,” mused shopper Francine Dawson, as she loaded organic squash into the trunk of her fire-engine red Prius. “But look – the shopping cart return is only thirty five feet away. It must have been an emergency.”

Chris Shows Up to Potluck with Granola Bars Again

MILWAUKEE, WI – Chris Goodman, 26, was seen entering the home of Joe Wilkinson for a potluck dinner Saturday carrying– once again– nothing but a box of granola bars.

Area Man Yells at TV, Changes Sports Outcome

BOSTON, MA - After a lifetime of insisting to his wife that homegrown enthusiasm really can change the spirit of a sports game, 56-year-old Bob Leftwich finally emerged victorious after the Patriots miraculously won the Super Bowl on a last minute touchdown.

Somehow balancing an open beer on his gut without spilling, Leftwich grew increasingly livid at his TV when Tom Brady wasn’t producing the god-like plays that he expected.

According to sources, he took his anger out on the referees, screaming at them, “Hey ref, can I pet your seeing-eye dog?”

Area Man Unsure Which Dual-Function Flush Option Best Suits His Needs

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After carefully taking a look at the diagram, local resident Austin E. Shewster was overheard in a Harvard restroom Monday furiously debating which dual-function flush option best suited his needs. Observing the sodden, indeterminate mess he had just expelled, Shewster contemplated whether to pull up or push down on the cheery green germ-protected handle. “Pulling up on the handle (liquid waste) uses a mere 1.1 gallons of water, while pushing down uses 1.6 gallons of precious life-giving fluid”, he muttered anxiously to himself.

Area Man Begins Crossing Sevens to Revitalize Life

KANSAS CITY, MO—Joseph Allenby, 38, a local unemployed man, has made a drastic change in his life, making the effort to begin crossing the number seven in his everyday handwriting.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” Allenby announced in an exclusive interview last week. “My wife left me a few years back, my son hates me, and I am completely out of motivation.”

Allenby says he was clearly out of touch with his former happiness. “Something needed to change.”

Enraged Area Parents Boycott Grocery Store After Cataclysmic Floor Plan Shakeup

SUNNY SPRINGS, VT — A cloud of chaos has been cast over the once sleepy suburb of Sunny Springs as Uncle Sam’s Supermarket blindsided its shoppers today with an earth-shattering decision to change the store’s floor plan. Refusing to sit idly by as their town plunges into darkness, angry local parents decided to boycott the supermarket and form picket lines in front of the family establishment.

Storeowner ‘Uncle’ Sam Sims offered his rationale for the change. “All I did was rearrange a few aisles and expand the greeting card section. I don’t get it.”

Area Man Doesn't Win Nobel Prize, Disappointing Mom Again

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a move anticipated by the scientific community, local student Aidan Smith once again failed to win any of the Nobel prizes awarded in Stockholm last week, the latest in a series of disappointments for his mother. Despite being raised perfectly well, Aidan also has not received any Nobel prizes in any of the past several years, a trend of mediocrity that dates back to 1995, the year of his birth.

Area Man Unaware This Is Best Day of His Life

Muskegon, MI—Expressing moderate satisfaction with how his day is going, local man Brett Thurman, 32, confirmed to reporters this Thursday that he had no idea it was the best day of his life. “Yeah, I had some leftover pot pie for lunch,” the local accountant reported with mild enthusiasm, apparently unaware that today is the day he will look back on years from now, wondering where it all went wrong.

Area Child Can’t Wait For Crushing Bleakness of Adulthood

BOSTON, MA –- After accompanying his father on bring-your-child-to-work day, local second grader Timmy Smith couldn’t wait to just grow up already and be a real-life adult.

“I just want to be able to do all the intellectually stimulating stuff my dad does. Today for example, he’s been on the computer for six hours straight and no one’s told him ‘time up’s’ or ‘you have to share,’” he noted.

Timmy was quick to describe the tribulations of second-grade life.

Area Student's Support For Strike Evaporates After Being Woken Up By Picket

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the historic Harvard University Dining Services strike underway, many students have been eagerly declaring their support for the workers who have staffed campus dining halls continuously for decades. Among these supporters was Garrett West '19, who has been advocating his support for the strike since a notice was posted on his door in early September. However, West reports his backing for the walkout evaporated this morning, after he was rudely awoken by a march through campus at 6 AM

 

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