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What, Are These Not Autumnal Enough For You?

Look, here are some pears. I picked them up at the grocery store yesterday, and...and...hold on. What's the matter?
 
What, are these not autumnal enough for you?
 
Oh, I see. They're just pears, right? I'll have you know that Bosc and Comice pears are in season from fall through winter, so that sounds pretty goddamn autumnal to me.
 
Yeah, I could have gotten some pumpkins. Maybe even some fresh-picked apples. But I bought the damn pears and I'm sticking with them on principle.
 

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Leaves

Cambridge, MA—According to a recent email sent out to students, faculty, and staff, Harvard University executive vice president Katie Lapp has been trapped in a pile of leaves.