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You Know that Giant Hole in the Yard? Yeah, I Had the Kids Drilling for Oil

by Larry Bacow

Remember that super ugly hole in the ground in the yard? You may have seen the sign marking the hole an “archaeological dig site” but don’t be deceived, fool! I only had that sign there to trick the students into drilling for oil. That’s right. For once, I decided to invest in you, the students, to build me an oil farm. 

Larry Bacow Invests Your Leftover BoardPlus Into The Prison Industrial Complex

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye: This Morn is the Coronation of Lawrence II

O fair citizens of Harvard Yard!
O munificent donors in woolen garb!
I am but a poor, mumps-ridden wretch, but today is a blessed day for me and all who congregate at this educational institution!

Gaze at the faire chair setup! Look upon the beauteous banners! Attune your ears to the lilting lutes on this luscious lawn! How sweet to be here on this morn!

Come one, come all! Rejoice in the festivities for our dearest, fearlessest leader!

Do not dawdle, make haste!