In the wake of the scouting report scandal surrounding the Harvard Men's soccer and cross-country teams, Satire V has obtained yet another scouting report, this time from the men's basketball team. We have reproduced an except below:
Recently, I referred to the basketballs hoop as the “basketball ring,” a careless gaffe. Now, don’t go thinking I don’t know a thing or two about the fine American sport of basketballs. I have been playing the basketballs since I was a little boy, and have supported my municipal and/or state sports team for as long as I can remember.
Since the beginning of the month, we have confirmed seven-hundred-fifty-nine cases of March madness in the Harvard community. Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) has been working closely with the Cambridge Public Health Department and the Massachusetts Department of Public Health to track and evaluate the scope of the March madness exposure in the Harvard community.
LAWRENCE, KS -- In the aftermath of the shocking upset against second-ranked Villanova, reports have emerged suggesting that Kansas basketball über-fan Hector Elliott has reacted simply with calm and collected rationality. Despite the disappointment of the loss, Elliott has somehow yet to break a single piece of china, nor has he torn his modestly sized flat screen television from the wall and thrown it into his neighbor’s garden.
Indianapolis, IN--It’s that special time of year again, when you squeeze into last summer’s shorts, go to JP Licks for something other than hot cocoa, and feign interest in sports for the ten minutes it takes to put together a bracket for March Madness. But wait—the only sporting event you watched in its entirety in the past year was Harvard-Yale football. And you were blackout drunk for that. What are you gonna do?
Soon after Pope Benedict XVI announced that he would resign by the end of February, the College of Cardinals immediately geared up for what is shaping up to be the best March Madness since the famous “Crazy Conclave” of 1963 that ended with the come-from-behind win of the surprise underdog, Giovanni Battista Enrico Antonio Maria Montini, who after his victory celebrations took on the name Paul da Sixth.
CAMBRIDGE, MA - The recent withdrawal of basketball co-captain and last season’s lead scorer Kyle Casey and the expected departure of co-captain Brandyn Curry have left many wondering about the future of the Harvard men’s basketball team.
“Yeah, we’re totally fucked,” said coach Tommy Amaker. “I’m basically starting a bunch of gawky nerds and hoping for the best.”