SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Blocking

Inspired By Past 8 Years of GOP Obstruction, Freshman Creates Republican-Only Blocking Group

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As Housing Day approaches, freshmen commonly find themselves struggling to form blocking groups. Not so for Geoffrey Dunkirk ’20, dedicated member of the Harvard College Republicans. In a decision “easier than categorically voting no on a Dem-sponsored bill,” Dunkirk chose to block with seven other like-minded College Republicans on Sunday.

Weld Resident Suffers Senseless Eye Contact with Former Blockmate

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – At 11:43 last night, tragedy struck the Weld community when, out of nowhere, resident Alicia Cantor was assaulted by the piercing gaze of fellow freshman Abigail Bradley, who was awkwardly boxed out of Cantor’s blocking group just two weeks before. Despite her best efforts to flee the scene, Cantor remained locked in a stone-cold stare with Bradley for a full four seconds, which Cantor described as “the most painful of [her] entire life.”

Eurozone Regrets Blocking with Greece

Amidst new threats from Greece to “leave and never come back,” sources confirmed that everyone in the Eurozone now thoroughly regrets choosing to block with Greece back in freshman year.

“Back when she first started having money problems, I was sympathetic,” says member nation Belgium. “But it’s been years now, and it’s about damn time she got her life together.”

Science Center E Regrets Linking with Science Centers A-D

After forty years of half-hearted texts and occasional birthday get-togethers, Science Center E has finally admitted that linking with Science Centers A-D has not been as good as he had originally hoped.

“I’m so happy that we’re only a staircase away from each other and all,” said E, “but it just feels like I never see them anymore.”

B was not surprised. “I knew that this would happen from the beginning. C was always the closest to him, but ever since she got Science and Cooking, she’s been pretty preoccupied. I guess the rest of us just kind of forgot about E.”