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EU to Britain: I’m Keeping the Elton John CD Collection

Hopes for an amicable breakup were dashed on Thursday when sources reported the European Union’s determination to hold onto the Elton John CD collection at all costs post-Brexit.

After 24 years together, Britain announced its intention to leave the EU last June. Once the initial shock and hurt of the breakup had passed (as well as a tiny bit of relief that no one would need to hear a cockney accent ever again), the EU moved quickly to lay claim to the sweet songs of the Grammy Award-winning international superstar and king of funky glasses.

Former UKIP Leader Nigel Farage Abruptly Dematerializes After Article 50 Triggered

LONDON, UK (NOT BLOODY BRUSSELS) — After Britain formally triggered Article 50 and initiated the legal process of leaving the European Union, witnesses have confirmed that former UKIP leader Nigel Farage spontaneously burst into purple and yellow flames, before ceasing to exist.
 

British Government to Decide On All Future Policies By “Settling It Outside”

LONDON, UK,…EU?—After a chaotic week in which UK Independence Party MEP and leadership candidate Steven Woolfe was checked into a hospital following an “altercation” at a party meeting, the British government has announced that it will no longer vote on policy decisions, and will instead resolve such issues by “settling it outside”.
 

British People Topple Establishment, Own Economic Futures

LONDON, UK -- After a historic day in British politics of massive voter turnout and a decisive victory for the "Vote Leave" campaign, the United Kingdom will no longer be a member of the European Union. Many citizens are hailing the decision as a turning point for the British people in a struggle against oppressive and undemocratic Euro-centric politics, while some so-called "experts" are describing the momentous vote as having "triggered the largest single-day crash in the history of the pound."

This Man Now Inexplicably Important

LONDON -- Over the weekend, British Prime Minister David Cameron announced that British citizens would vote this June on whether Great Britain should remain in the European Union. This man-- pictured right here in this article-- became inexplicably important when he announced he would campaign for Britain's exit from the EU, or "Brexit."