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Christmas

Am I...Real?

Santa Claus, with a space background
Lately, I have been hearing some troubling rumblings from the children. Little Timmy in Topeka told the rest of his second grade class that I am not "real." Isn't that hilarious? Mrs. Claus would be very disappointed to find out that I am not real!
 
I am definitely real, Timmy. I am merely an aged, rotund man, who lives in secrecy in an inhospitable locale and delivers toys to children...all around the world...in one single night...from a sleigh pulled by flying forest creatures.... Hmm. Now that you mention it, that does seem highly improbable.
 

LEAKED: Owl Club Member's Letter to Santa Claus

Little Cousin's Arrival Provokes Nazi Vs. Cowboy War

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—Calamity and chaos reign supreme in the McDaniels family living room, as the return of the household’s toy soldiers from the basement—prompted by the arrival of the Louisville McDanielses and their seven-year-old son Thomas—has led to an all-out war between six-inch-tall plastic Nazis and six-inch-tall plastic cowboys.

Faculty Yankee Swap Ends in Fighting, Tears

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Today the faculty of Harvard College came together to celebrate a non-denominational “Winter Celebration,” which featured a Yankee swap that ended in quarrels and eggnog-fueled sobbing.

Jews Pissed About Having to Watch Unbroken This Christmas

Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.

Millions of Americans to Sleep Soundly Tonight Knowing White Santa is On His Way

It is Christmas Eve, and millions of Americans will sleep comfortably knowing that a Caucasian man bearing gifts will be paying their home a visit tonight.

“We just feel more comfortable having someone we can trust delivering the gifts,” said Nancy Shaw of Ohio, speaking on behalf of her white family. “You know, someone who will take the cookies and milk, but nothing else.” 

Jewish Girl Excited to Feel Alienated This Christmas

Local Jewish girl Rachel Silverstein, 4, is especially excited to feel alienated this Christmas.
 
“I’m gonna go over to my friend Betsy’s house, and we’re going to bake cookies and listen to Christmas songs on the radio, and I’m going to be the only one who doesn’t know the lyrics!” said the preschool student and member of Congregation Beth El.  “It’s going to be so much fun!”
 

Santa Claus: "I Don't Believe in Children"

NORTH POLE – In an uncharacteristically glum Christmas Eve in the North Pole, Santa Claus admitted that for almost ten years he has been harboring growing doubts about the existence of children.

 Santa told reporters at the December 24th press conference, "I've been reluctant to speak my mind on this issue, but I feel the time is right." Among other things, St. Nick revealed that no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.