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The Crimson

We Know We’re Not That Great and We’re Sorry

The Harvard Crimson

Dear Harvard Community, 

We write to you today to address a dark truth that has skulked in the shadows of our fine red-brick campus for quite some time now. An elephant in the room, if you will, that we believe we must acknowledge, for fear of appearing oblivious or obtuse to the obvious state of reality. We, The Crimson, are not that great. And we’re sorry.

The Crimson Arts Reviews "Seesaws in the Yard"

What is a seesaw, truly, but a simple metaphor for the fragile ebb and flow of humanity that somehow defines us all? What is a teeter-totter but a subtle allegory for the intricate dance of birth and death that emboldens yet imperils our lives?

These are the issues that Seesaws in the Yard—a flawed but compelling work of outdoor performance art in Harvard Yard—seeks to address. Ultimately, however, the work poses more questions than it resolves.

"Life" Flawed but Compelling

It begins in celebration, and ends in the darkness of eternity, but in between "Life," which opened about four billion years ago on Earth, is a mixed bag.
 
To begin with, in the opinion of this reviewer, the setting is overly simplistic. It's mostly a mix of dirt, grass, and water, with some pavement thrown in. Occasionally the audience will see a mountain, the sky, or even a waterfall– but most of the time it's the same thing every day.
 

Flyby's Guide to Being Crushed By Freshman Year

Don't buy your books new

In fact, don't buy them at all. Instead, rely on Wikipedia, Reddit, and Flyby for information. Alternatively, look into illegal downloads. The more illegal software on your new laptop, the better.

Never eat a meal alone

Make sure to bring your childhood imaginary friend along, and refer to them frequently whenever you have real-life company. Don't worry, soon it will just be you and Ghostie in the corner of Annenberg. 

Go to office hours

Low-Hanging Fruit: Crimson Staff Writer Comes up with Perfect Berry Pun for Brain Break Article

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Last night, at approximately 1:30 AM EST, Billy P. Yates ’19 was frantically searching for the cherry of a headline to top off his Brain Break article. Thrilled to report on the seedy UC berry debate, his Adam’s apple quivered as he struggled to pick a sweet berry pun. 
 
"This is the last straw," the writer rasped. "I'd fight for this newspaper till I was black and blue, but trying to find a pun is boysening the article.”
 

Last-Minute Spring Break Ideas

If you are anything like us at Satire V, you've probably procrastinated on planning your Spring Break until now. But don’t worry- we've got you covered. Here are some cool last minute Spring Break options for you and your lazy and/or disorganized friends.

Wild But Accessible: The T

The Elephant in the Room: Communists at Harvard

It is not easy being a Communist at Harvard, surrounded by a sea of liberals and abandoned by the tradition of a school once called the “Kremlin on the Charles.” Fear of judgment and misinterpretation causes many Communist students to remain quiet on their political beliefs, or even to align themselves with Massachusetts liberals to appear less radical.     

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Letter to the Editor: On the replacement of the Harvey Mansfield title

To the Editors of The Crimson:

To aid in the furious thinking going on in the administration for a name to replace the title of "Professor Harvey C. Mansfield '53", Satire V would like to propose a College competition to decide a suitable replacement.

To start things off, we will offer a few possible new titles, including:

"Hunky Manslice";

"Husky Mensfeet";

"Hardly Meatfilled";

"Hippy Monsoon"; and

"Pompous, Condescending Marshmallow".

Putting The Crimson’s Editorial Board On Notice

When I was a student at the Salisbury School, a private suburban school in South-Central-South-West-Northerly Ohio, I took a lot for granted. My school newspaper, in particular, is something I should have appreciated more.

After Reading The Crimson's Staff Editorial This Morning, I Have Decided to Resign

A Guest Editorial by Dean Evelynn Hammonds

In my eleven years at Harvard, I have often asked myself: What would The Crimson staff writers do? I looked to them for news, opinions, and even fashion tips, so when The Crimson told me it was time to quit, I knew I just had to trust them.

Since the truth came to light this Tuesday, I know that The Crimson has spent many long minutes reviewing the facts. What I did was wrong, and after reading I understand that. I should not have told anyone about the second email search.