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7 Amazing Lifehacks for When the Only Woman You’ve Ever Loved Leaves You for Terry

1) Start dating again! There are plenty of fish in the sea, and all you need to do is…all you need to do…is…

2) Look, Terry isn’t anything special. He doesn’t know how to make pecan pie that special way she likes it. He certainly doesn’t know how to DVR Property Brothers so she can watch it when she gets home from work! Terry is just an average guy, and there’s no way the relationship will last.

Area Student Sends Himself Two-Step Verification Texts to Seem More Popular

CAMBRIDGE, MA--Yesterday at 1:03pm, panic seized socially awkward freshman Jeb Curtis.

A conversation with friends had reached an awkward lull, and as everyone else turned to their phones to read through hundreds of awaiting texts and Snapchats, a forlorn Curtis was left staring blankly into space.

Area Man’s Favorite Video Way Less Funny When Shown to Friends

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Minutes after falling out of his chair in laughter at what he was certain was the funniest video he’d ever seen, local student Joe Bevitt ’19 was shocked to discover his friends found it way less funny than he did.

 

Empowered by "Lemonade," Irish Catholic Woman Internalizes Feelings About Husband's Impropriety

BOSTON, MA -- After listening to Beyonce's empowering new album Lemonade, local Irish Catholic woman Mary Shaughnessy was inspired to internalize all her feelings about her husband's impropriety.
 
"The song was quite rousing. But Jack admitted that he shouldn't have done it," said Shaughnessy, drinking black coffee as she stared out her kitchen window. "So it's fine."
 

Mouse Sitting Alone in Winthrop Dhall Just Doing Some Work

WINTHROP HOUSE--Area mouse and Winthrop House resident Cheesers McLongtail was spotted sitting alone in the Winthrop dining hall and browsing Facebook on his computer. However, when approached by his friend Gabrielle Young '17, McLongtail claimed he was "just getting some work done before the weekend."

 

Five Tips to Help You Reach Your Thesis Word Requirement

With the deadline for your thesis approaching quickly, here is some sound advice to help you make it through. This article should only take a few minutes to read, so you can get back to typing soon.  

 

1. Use the social life you have abandoned as source material.

Facebook Tired of Being Used, Wants Real Connection

PALO ALTO, CA -– After passing the 1.5 billion users mark and celebrating a dozen years online in the past few months, Facebook solidified its position as the world’s largest social network. However, the website has begun to feel that its many connections, though notable, are disturbingly superficial.

“It’s like I know people, but I don’t know people,” one server communicated via binary. “I want to understand more than just the image my 'friends' put out on social media.”

Students Excited For Yet Another Disappointing Friday Night

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- As the weekend approaches, eager students get ready to settle back into another semester of disappointing and uneventful Friday nights on campus. Tonight, undergraduates across campus will gather to engage in various social events. Whether students prefer to silently drink vodka in dorm rooms, or attend poorly executed themed parties, Harvard truly has it all.