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Breaking

and entering

crushing loneliness

Area Student Sends Himself Two-Step Verification Texts to Seem More Popular

CAMBRIDGE, MA--Yesterday at 1:03pm, panic seized socially awkward freshman Jeb Curtis.

A conversation with friends had reached an awkward lull, and as everyone else turned to their phones to read through hundreds of awaiting texts and Snapchats, a forlorn Curtis was left staring blankly into space.

Mouse Sitting Alone in Winthrop Dhall Just Doing Some Work

WINTHROP HOUSE--Area mouse and Winthrop House resident Cheesers McLongtail was spotted sitting alone in the Winthrop dining hall and browsing Facebook on his computer. However, when approached by his friend Gabrielle Young '17, McLongtail claimed he was "just getting some work done before the weekend."

 

Five Tips to Help You Reach Your Thesis Word Requirement

With the deadline for your thesis approaching quickly, here is some sound advice to help you make it through. This article should only take a few minutes to read, so you can get back to typing soon.  

 

1. Use the social life you have abandoned as source material.

Harvard Students Rejected By Algorithm After Asking For Valentine

Cambridge, MA--According to reports, a Harvard computer algorithm expressly designed to help students find love has given up. 

"We're experiencing issues with user results," said a message on the algorithm's website. "The problem is you people. Like, how does this happen?"

The algorithm proceeded to cite the fact that the classic 1970 film Love Story took place at Harvard. "I don't believe it. Love is dead, frozen along with the Charles River," it said.