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Dating

All I Want Is a Nice Shrewish Boy

A mouse with a menorah and the Torah floating in the background.

By a mouse

My parents keep telling me that I need to find a nice shrewish boy, but trapping the right shrewish boy is way easier said than done.

My mom says that generations of women in this family have devoted ourselves to the taming of the shrew. I secretly dated a hamster once—I couldn’t keep my paws off of him—but my brother ratted me out to my dad.

Carbon Dating Fossil Just Wants to Be Friends

Carbon and a dinosaur

CHICXULUB, MEXICO —  After eons of building up a reservoir of courage, Carbon came clean about her relationship with a fossil currently residing on the Yucatan Peninsula, and her suspicions that he takes her for granite.

In an exclusive interview, she confessed, “This relationship has really taken us out of our elements, but I’m just not feeling that binding attraction anymore.”

She plans to inform Fossil tomorrow evening that she wants to take the intensity down an energy level, and that she has been feeling too bound up with nothing to call her own.

Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
 
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."
 

Harvard Girls Enjoy Dating Comp

 Senior Jessica Morrissey of Kirkland House has many shining extracurriculars on her resume. She’s an editor of the Crimson and volunteers every weekend in Boston public schools. Still though, she says this year she plans to extend her activities into a new dimension--dating life.

“I think employers really want to see that you’re well rounded. That’s the real reason I’m planning to join a relationship this year. They want to know if you can show affection and possibly sexual desire for another human,” said Morrissey.