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Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
 
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."
 

Harvard Girls Enjoy Dating Comp

 Senior Jessica Morrissey of Kirkland House has many shining extracurriculars on her resume. She’s an editor of the Crimson and volunteers every weekend in Boston public schools. Still though, she says this year she plans to extend her activities into a new dimension--dating life.

“I think employers really want to see that you’re well rounded. That’s the real reason I’m planning to join a relationship this year. They want to know if you can show affection and possibly sexual desire for another human,” said Morrissey.