SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Dean Dingman

Yo, It Fucking Blows That My Last Harvard-Yale Weekend Was At Yale

Dean Dingman
By Dean of Freshman Thomas A. "Tommy D" Dingman
 

Comments on the Seizure of Market in the Square

Dean Dingman
Dear Members of the Harvard Community:
 
Fam, I'm gonna level with you. It's been a rough couple months for old Tommy D. My boy Skeech moved to Dallas to get a Master's in Video Game Development. Barreira wouldn't sign me off for medicinal pot because "dangerous surfeits of swag" isn't a "legitimate condition," apparently. Then to put the cherry atop this bullshit sundae, I bet some Owl douche 17 grand (which I may or may not have) that Andre 3000 would be the next president of Harvard, which in hindsight might have been a bad call.
 

An Invitation from the Dean of Freshmen

Brownies

Dear Members of the Class of 2020:

Having had a chance to talk to a number of you over the past week, it's clear that the election has occupied your hearts and minds. My mind, on the other hand, has been occupied by the ounce of Sour Diesel that I ordered two weeks ago in preparation for Question 4’s inevitable success.  Whatever your political position in this very polarizing time, I think it is important to stop and reflect, and if we join together in some “puff-puff-pass”, we can contribute to our country's healing. 

Dean Dingman Hands Out Wrong Batch of Brownies to Striking Workers

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Though Local 26 and the Harvard Management Corporation have yet to negotiate a new contract, the first few days of the HUDS strike have not been without their share of drama. A low point was reached at lunchtime today, as Harvard Dean of Freshman Thomas A. "Tommy D" Dingman '67 accidentally distributed the wrong batch of homemade brownies to striking HUDS workers.
 
"Aww fuck, dude," the self-proclaimed Dean of Phresh was heard exclaiming as he saw protesters asking each other if they've ever "looked at swai, like, really looked at it."

Dean Dingman Misses Freshman Formal After Pregaming Too Hard

CAMBRIDGE, MA — While the Class of 2019 will remember tonight as an evening of fun with lifelong friends, Thomas H. “Tommy D” Dingman ’68 will only remember it as an important lesson on the dangers of drinking too much after the self-proclaimed Dean of Phresh pregamed too hard and had to miss the dance entirely. 

Dean Dingman Refuses To Take Off ‘Sexy SWAT Officer’ Costume

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sources in the FDO have recently confirmed the worrying rumors that Harvard College Dean of Freshmen Thomas A. Dingman ‘67 has now been wearing the same “Sexy SWAT Officer” costume for upwards of 60 hours without displaying any willingness to change into street clothes or to break character.

Dean Dingman Seen Selling Suspiciously Brown Snow Cones

Cambridge, MA—Officials from the municipal health department were described as “greatly disturbed” following several reports of Harvard University’s Dean of Freshmen, Thomas A. Dingman, selling what looked to be brown slush in upside-down party hats clearly labeled “Happy New Year 1987!” outside of Crema Café in Brattle Square.

“Hey, kiddies, want some snow cones? They’re chocolate-flavored!” Mr. Dingman ’67, visibly intoxicated and wearing a sweat-stained t-shirt saying “Dean of Phresh” in hot-pink lettering, was heard to shout at tourists, students, and homeless people alike.