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Breaking

and entering

Dean Khurana

Thanks and gratitude

Dear Harvard College Students,

While this year’s Harvard-Yale Game, presidential election, World Series (Go Tribe!), and countless other things of varying levels of importance didn’t go our way, I hope that each of you enjoyed the festivities and camaraderie of last weekend as much as I did. And let me tell you, Tommy D isn’t the only dean who knows how to party. Cabot tailgate was pretty fucking lit.

Welcome back!

Dear Harvard College Students,
 
In the days before you return to campus to begin another academic year, I was going to write to share some thoughts with you about the coming year and to ask for your help in warmly welcoming the Class of 2020 to our beloved community.
 
But all of that can wait. First, I really need all of you to help me find the remote control for the TV in my living room. 
 

You Know What, I Worked Hard On This

Listen up assholes, and listen good. Over the past year we have heard your complaints about final clubs, social spaces, and exclusivity on campus. Yesterday we finally took action and decided to sanction members of single-gender organizations like private final clubs, fraternities, and sororities. Yet many of you insist that we have overstepped our bounds by violating the freedom of association and unfairly punishing all-female organizations. Oh, so now you like exclusivity? What, Harvard isn't exclusive enough for you shits? I worked hard on this, and I deserve some appreciation.

Final Club Members Finally Learn What Exclusion Feels Like

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After University President Drew Gilpin Faust announced today that future members of unrecognized single-gender social organizations would be ineligible for sports team and student organization leadership positions, as well as postgraduate fellowships requiring a College endorsement, final club members suddenly realized what exclusion feels like.

“Huh,” said Owl Club member Richard I. Wadsworth ’17, scratching his head. “That’s odd. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.”

Dean Khurana Changes Stance on Social Clubs After Big-Little Week

Cambridge, MA – In a shocking twist, Dean Khurana has ended his war on social clubs, and has officially endorsed the 20-some unaffiliated Harvard undergraduate fraternal groups. 

The change of heart came right after Big-Little Week, in which the Dean was showered with gifts and love from his senior “Big” Stephanie Matthews.

Dean Khurana Urges Wife to Consider Meal Holistically

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After spending hours preparing dinner this evening, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana reportedly urged his wife Stephanie to evaluate the meal on a holistic basis.

As the Faculty Deans of Cabot House sat down for dinner, Dean Khurana, who is also the Marvin Bower Professor of Leadership Development at Harvard Business School, stressed the importance of judging what he cooked on different dimensions. "Perhaps what it lacks in flavor, it makes up for in nutritious value," suggested Dean Khurana. "Not every meal can be flavorful, you know."

Who Said It: Dean Khurana or Mulan?

1. “Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

2. “The mask of perfection wears us down.”

3. “Who am I?”

4. “No-one knows who I am.”

5. “If I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart.”

6. “You’ll die for honor.”

7. “We share the belief that we are here to do something together that none of us could do alone.”

Sugar, Spice, Everything Nice: These Are Ingredients for Rakesh Khurana

THE CITY OF TOWNSVILLE-- In an attempt to create the "perfect little girls," local mad scientist Professor Utonium mixed sugar, spice, and everything nice. But after omitting the mysterious "Chemical X," Utonium discovered that he had instead created Dean of Harvard College and Marvin Bower Professor of Leadership Development, Rakesh Khurana.
 
"I was always wondering what would happen if I left out 'Chemical X,'" said Utonium. "Who knew that I had in my hands the key ingredients for one of the world's leading scholars of organizational and leadership theory."

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