SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

death

Area Woman Lost in Thought, Presumed Dead

A woman in a black hole.

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

Less Favorite Grandma Announces Plans to Die at Pretty Inconvenient Time for You

GAMMY'S HOUSE – At a press conference this afternoon, your less favorite grandmother "Gammy Florida" announced her plans to die at a pretty inconvenient time for you.
 
"I've decided to pass into the Great Beyond next week, just two days before that midterm for which you've been studying for weeks," said Gammy Florida, who never really seemed to take a liking to you anyway. "And I insist that my funeral be here in Florida, so that the entire family has to book flights on short notice."
 

Historic Campus Publications Continue Feud Despite Inevitability of Death

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Saturday, one really, really old student-run publication released its annual parodical version of another really, really old student-run publication, despite the fact that the weighty inevitability of death continued to cast an ominous shadow on all involved. 

Some students chuckled, recognizing the effort that the first publication had gone toward putting together a fake campus newspaper. Indeed, these readers momentarily forgot the inevitable truth that one day the sun will literally explode.