CAMBRIDGE, MA

*The following is a transcript of secret surveillance footage gathered from the deep underground chamber below Mass Hall.

“UNACCEPTABLE,” roars the Harvard Endowment, globs of crude oil spurting from the corners of its enormous, mangled frown.

A trembling and prostrate Drew Faust shudders at the horrifying sound. She lifts her head up from the cold stone floor, just enough to gaze upon the monstrosity created by the folly of her and generations of predecessors.