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Harvard Admits More Lobsters Than Asian Americans, Investigation Reveals

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An ongoing investigation against Harvard University has revealed that the university admits more lobsters than Asian Americans.

As of the “College Beach Bash” last Sunday, 6500 lobsters had been admitted to Harvard College, thanks to extensive efforts to recruit applicants from underrepresented regions like Cape Cod. Contrast this to the mere 1,300 Asian American undergraduates at the College – a roughly 5:1 ratio of crustaceans to Asian Americans.

Dentists Unanimously Endorse Teeth

CHICAGO, IL--Members of the American Dental Association unanimously reaffirmed their commitment to teeth at their monthly meeting Tuesday, voting to endorse a report supporting having teeth in people’s mouths.

 

The report, developed by a small faculty committee in January 2015, reiterates dentists “long-held and oft-expressed view that teeth—especially real ones—are essential to eating and stuff.”