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Report: Donald Trump Smells Bad

ITHACA, NY -- A new study by a group of scientists at Cornell University has proven that Donald Trump smells bad.
 
The study, conducted over the course of six months, was meant to dispel any persistent myths about the candidate's foul odor. However, the scientists were shocked by what they found.
 

Donald Trump Fires Champagne Manager

NEW YORK, NY--Earlier this week, Donald Trump fired his champagne manager, Jean-Baptiste Aubigné, in a strategic move after months of what many considered to be questionable champagne-related decisions. It is believed that this change may lead to a broader change of the champagne's tone and presentation moving forward.

LEAKED: Other Things Harvard Republican Club Refuses to Endorse

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After refusing to endorse the Republican Presidential Candidate for the first time in 128 years, The Harvard Republican Club has withheld their support from many other things as well. Satire V has obtained an exclusive leaked list of other things the Harvard Republican Club has just recently refused to endorse:
  • Shoes without bootstraps
  • People who show up to black tie affairs in business suits
  • Off brand water crackers
  • Foreign cheeses
  • The field of gender studies
  • Gender
  • Chancellor Palpatine

World Seriously Reconsidering This Whole Democracy Thing

MANILA, PHLIPPINES — With Donald Trump assuming the Republican presidential nomination and Rodrigo Duterte elected the newest president of the Philippines, the citizens of the world collectively announced today that look, maybe we should just forget about the whole Democracy thing. “It was nice while it lasted, I guess. But I think it’s clear it’s just not working anymore,” said Manila resident Abian Ramos, who now has to live under a legitimately elected president who once joked that it was a shame a rape victim was so beautiful, because he wish he had been first.

Trump Campaign Introduces "Make America Great Again" Armbands

In an effort to provide new fashion accessories for supporters, Donald Trump’s campaign announced Tuesday that it was introducing new “Make America Great Again!” armbands.

“We’ve been going all over the country, and people have been asking us, ‘How can we get involved? How can we show that we think Mr. Trump is the man America needs?’” said campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. “And we realized that no one has ever tried armbands before! No one. It’s an amazing opportunity!"

Donald Trump Says A Thing

Can you believe it? Donald Trump said ANOTHER thing today. How controversial!
 
Some people were mad about it.
 
"Incredible. This guy gets away with everything! When will it end?" said some guy.
 
"I'm mad. I can't believe he said that thing. I really disagree with that thing," said some lady.
 
But some people were happy.
 
"Let me tell you: more people should be saying these things," said another guy. 
 

Where Are They Now?

Bernie Sanders: We loved him during that fiery Democratic debate this week, and guess where he is now! 

 

Bernie hasn’t stepped away from politics. Today he was in Los Angeles talking about seniors’ Social Security cost-of-living adjustments!

 

 

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