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Drew Faust

They’ll Never Notice Me Stealing Cheese from the Holworthy Kitchen if I Make the Science Center Tent Extra Long

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

As I approach the end of my tenure as Harvard President, I must confess there is one problem I thought I’d never solve. For years, social norms against robberies from communal fridges have discouraged me from descending down to the basement of Conan O’Brian’s freshman dorm to get the one thing I truly desire: cheddar cheese.

Endorsement: Katie Lapp for Harvard University President

Currently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.

The Tragicall Historie of President Faustus

By Christopher Marlowe

Christopher Marlowe's classic 1588 tragedy, President Faustus, remains a landmark work of Renaissance literature. Telling the story of a brilliant but hubristic academic who sells her soul to the devil in return for 10 years of unlimited power, it has enchanted ExxonMobil CEOs and SEAS faculty alike for centuries. Satire V is proud to present Marlowe's original draft of the iconic last soliloquy.

Ah, Faustus,

Now hast thou but one bare year to be president,

And then thou must be damn'd perpetually!

Drew Faust Burns Down Kirkland House for the Insurance Money

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing the fiscal benefits of arson insurance fraud, Harvard University President Drew G. Faust set Kirkland House aflame on Thursday.

Faust Discovers Harvard Has Undergraduate Program

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Appearing troubled and downright confused with her discovery, President of Harvard University Drew G. Faust reportedly pulled her assistants aside in panic Tuesday morning to question them about a supposed "undergraduate program" affiliated with Harvard University.

Let The HUDS Games Begin

Food, frozen food. Dirty dishes, plastic knives, cold chowder. These are the conditions that we now must face. Twelve dining halls have rebelled against the administration that paid them, loved them, protected them. We at University Hall have no tolerance for this kind of treachery.

Harvard Posts Craigslist Ad for Scab Workers

CAMBRIDGE, MA — A Craigslist ad posted late Thursday night suggests that Harvard is preparing for a strike by Harvard University Dining Services workers. The posting calls for “600 employees with experience in dining service” who “totally won’t just be strikebreakers.”

The current contract between the university and HUDS workers will expire on September 17, and 600 workers are prepared to strike unless the university meets their demands for higher pay and more affordable healthcare.

Harvard Endowment Bellows Disapproval as Faust Begs for HUDS Workers’ Rights

CAMBRIDGE, MA

*The following is a transcript of secret surveillance footage gathered from the deep underground chamber below Mass Hall.

“UNACCEPTABLE,” roars the Harvard Endowment, globs of crude oil spurting from the corners of its enormous, mangled frown.

A trembling and prostrate Drew Faust shudders at the horrifying sound. She lifts her head up from the cold stone floor, just enough to gaze upon the monstrosity created by the folly of her and generations of predecessors.

Final Club Members Finally Learn What Exclusion Feels Like

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After University President Drew Gilpin Faust announced today that future members of unrecognized single-gender social organizations would be ineligible for sports team and student organization leadership positions, as well as postgraduate fellowships requiring a College endorsement, final club members suddenly realized what exclusion feels like.

“Huh,” said Owl Club member Richard I. Wadsworth ’17, scratching his head. “That’s odd. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.”

Final Clubs Sanctions Eliminate Sexual Assault, All Other Campus Woes

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sexual assault, every form of race-, class-, and gender-based discrimination, and all other campus woes were completely canceled this Friday morning as Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana issued sanctions against single-sex organizations with the support of President Drew Faust.

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