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Drew Faust

Hey Guys, What About Me? Just a Thought!

William F. Lee

To the Harvard Presidential Search Committee:

Hey guys! What’s up? How’ve you been? Well, I hope!

We’ve been whittling down possible picks for the prez 29.0, and I think we have some great candidates! But— and this might sound crazy— hear me out: maybe we should consider… me? Just a thought!

Report: Someone Peed in Harvard Presidential Candidate Pool

A man pees in the "Harvard presidential candidate pool."
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing the increased warmth in the pool since a few minutes ago, many Harvard presidential contenders claim someone urinated in the candidate pool.
 
“I swear it is really warm in this one spot right over there,” said Government professor and shortlisted presidential candidate Danielle Allen, pointing to an area near the pool ladder. “It's my expert opinion that someone must have peed.” 
 

Mass Hall Freshmen Kept Up Until 4 am by Drew Faust's Rager

Drew Faust in front of Mass Hall

HARVARD YARD — This past Sunday, Massachusetts Hall residents were shocked to discover that the booming bass that had kept awake was in fact coming from the offices of Harvard’s President, Drew Gilpin Faust.

Interviewed on his way back from Lamont, one freshman spoke out.

“I thought that being in Mass Hall would suck because we wouldn’t be able to party with the president working right under us, but like… I had a pset to do," he said. "I didn’t ask for this.”  

They’ll Never Notice Me Stealing Cheese from the Holworthy Kitchen if I Make the Science Center Tent Extra Long

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

As I approach the end of my tenure as Harvard President, I must confess there is one problem I thought I’d never solve. For years, social norms against robberies from communal fridges have discouraged me from descending down to the basement of Conan O’Brian’s freshman dorm to get the one thing I truly desire: cheddar cheese.

Endorsement: Katie Lapp for Harvard University President

Currently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.

The Tragicall Historie of President Faustus

By Christopher Marlowe

Christopher Marlowe's classic 1588 tragedy, President Faustus, remains a landmark work of Renaissance literature. Telling the story of a brilliant but hubristic academic who sells her soul to the devil in return for 10 years of unlimited power, it has enchanted ExxonMobil CEOs and SEAS faculty alike for centuries. Satire V is proud to present Marlowe's original draft of the iconic last soliloquy.

Ah, Faustus,

Now hast thou but one bare year to be president,

And then thou must be damn'd perpetually!

Drew Faust Burns Down Kirkland House for the Insurance Money

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing the fiscal benefits of arson insurance fraud, Harvard University President Drew G. Faust set Kirkland House aflame on Thursday.

Faust Discovers Harvard Has Undergraduate Program

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Appearing troubled and downright confused with her discovery, President of Harvard University Drew G. Faust reportedly pulled her assistants aside in panic Tuesday morning to question them about a supposed "undergraduate program" affiliated with Harvard University.

Let The HUDS Games Begin

Food, frozen food. Dirty dishes, plastic knives, cold chowder. These are the conditions that we now must face. Twelve dining halls have rebelled against the administration that paid them, loved them, protected them. We at University Hall have no tolerance for this kind of treachery.

Harvard Posts Craigslist Ad for Scab Workers

CAMBRIDGE, MA — A Craigslist ad posted late Thursday night suggests that Harvard is preparing for a strike by Harvard University Dining Services workers. The posting calls for “600 employees with experience in dining service” who “totally won’t just be strikebreakers.”

The current contract between the university and HUDS workers will expire on September 17, and 600 workers are prepared to strike unless the university meets their demands for higher pay and more affordable healthcare.

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