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Omg! Young Joe Biden was a Total Biscotti

Former Vice President Joe Biden is going to be Harvard’s 2017 Class Day speaker. In honor of his future presence on campus, we here at DriveBy are taking a look back at his college days. (Can someone say fifteen crunchiest freshmen?) His looks may have changed a bit over the years, but he was looking pretty nutty when he was 26:

The Most Notorious Phrases that Jesus Christ Always Uses in Section

We've heard them all! Satire V has compiled a list of all the typical phrases that Jesus Christ constantly uses in section:
 
Can we unpack that? Because even I, Son of God Jesus Christ, did not understand what you were saying.
 
Don't you just hate when you've just made a point, and Jesus Christ wants you to "unpack" it? What does "unpack" even mean? We all know you're trying to mask your confusion. Sorry, Jesus, but your lack of omnipotence is showing.
 

HUPD Crime Log: March 2017

While you were away on spring break, HUPD was busy keeping Harvard safe. Here are some calls that came across the HUPD wire:
 
Officer dispatched to a report of existential angst. Subject had come to terms with own mortality upon arrival.
 
Officers alerted to an "old hag" shouting obscenities and disturbing students in Harvard Yard. Arrived promptly and apprehended the woman, one Drew Faust who claimed she was the president of the whole university - can you believe that? Officers currently keeping an eye on her.