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A Win for Democracy! Student Fills Out Ballot, Forgets to Actually Mail It

Girl at polls

Boston, MA – On Friday, Senator Elizabeth Warren announced plans to honor local college student Katie South with a medal for citizenship, after South reportedly filled out a mail-in ballot and proceeded to completely forget about it in her desk drawer. South, who studies government, claims she was surprised by the attention. “No, I wouldn’t say I’m a hero, I was just doing the right thing. I filled out my ballot, put it away beneath some papers, and I haven’t thought about it since. Basically, there’s no way I’m mailing that envelope in before tomorrow.”

Dean Dingman Elected to Cambridge City Council

In an unexpected turn of events, write-in candidate and self-described “Dean of Fresh” Thomas Dingman claimed a decisive victory in the race for the open seat on the Cambridge City Council Tuesday.

 A good part of the dean’s inspiration to enter the race came when prominent candidate Logan Leslie ‘16 began distributing bottle openers and voter registration forms to campus residents in hopes of adding a Harvard voice to the council.

Cabot UC Election Ends in 380-Way Tie

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to reports from Al Jazeera Quad, Cabot House’s recent UC election has ended in a 380-way tie. As of Monday morning, the UC Commission had yet to decide a method for resolving the unprecedented result, in which all 380 residents of Cabot House received the same number of votes—zero. The UC’s bylaws and constitution make no provisions for such a result, according to UC legal scholar Michael Wasserman ’14.

Iranian Supreme Leader’s Personal Assistant Forgets to Rig Elections

Documents recently leaked from the upper echelons of the Iranian government reveal that the personal assistant to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei had forgotten to rig the presidential elections that took place in June this year, enabling the relative political moderate Hassan Rouhani to win without even the need for a runoff.

Satire V Endorses Abe Liu

Satire V is proud to endorse Abe Liu for the position of President of the Harvard Undergraduate Council.  We believe that Liu has the gumption to cross partisan lines and even physical boundaries in order to benefit the Harvard community.

Romney Drops Out of Electoral College to Pursue Career at Dairy Queen

After losing the U.S. Presidential Election, Mitt Romney has decided that the Electoral College is not for him.   In a tearful call to his parents Tuesday night, Romney declared he would “never go back to that damn College,” instead hoping to pursue a career at a local Dairy Queen.

“It’s not that people didn’t like me—it’s just that the pressures of the Electoral College were too much.  Maybe I should have joined a frat.  I don’t know.”

Satan Refuses to Endorse a Presidential Candidate

HELL -- In an historic first, the Devil has declined to endorse either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney for the Presidency, claiming that both contenders "are hell-bent on creating chaos and spreading destruction without any help from me."

Third Party Debate Ends in Debate Over Where to Hold After-Party

CHICAGO, IL—Less than forty minutes after beginning, the recent Third Party Debate closed in ignominious fashion, as the four onstage candidates and moderator Larry King argued about where to hold the annual “Third Party After-Party” in the Windy City.

Obama Comes Out as Muslim

BURBANK, CA--At an appearance on a daytime talk show to commemorate National Coming Out Day this past Thursday, President Barack Obama finally came out as a Muslim.

“I’ve always struggled trying to define myself,” he explained on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to host Ellen DeGeneres.  “Back in high school, I always got so uncomfortable when my classmates made fun of the one openly Muslim boy.  ‘Should I try to be like them?’ I asked myself.  But, in my heart, I knew that one day I would have to embrace my identity.”

Inspired by Recent Presidential Debates, North Korea Holds First Ever Supreme Leader Debates

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA –- In last evening’s debate between benevolent and just Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and short, ugly man who picks his nose, North Korea proved to the world that it is better at everything, even democracy, than any other kingdom.  

Beautiful, respected Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un made all the good points, and short, ugly man who farts when he talks made none of them.

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