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Planet Earth Passes Away After Benevolently Hosting Life for 3.8 Billion Years

This past Friday, it was announced that, following a long battle against humanity, Planet Earth has finally passed away.
 
Born and raised in the Solar System, the son of the Sun, the Earth was a lifelong fan of nature, National Geographic documentaries, and progressive carbon taxes. Sources close to the Earth say that, in recent years, the Earth felt that it was "just going in circles," and had become resigned to its eventual death.