ROCHESTER, NY – Sources close to Ronald Simpson, 26, confirmed that, after three attempts, he was unable to flick a beer bottle cap into a garbage can approximately ten feet away at a small party on Saturday night.
Simpson assured those watching, “Normally I can do it. Damnit.” He later pointed out, “These bottle caps are weird, definitely different than the ones I’m used to.”
Marissa Reynolds, 24, a local woman who was in the room at the time of Simpson's colossal fuckup, recalled, “Honestly, I wouldn’t really have cared if he hadn’t silenced the whole room and drawn everyone’s attention before trying to pull off the trick.” She later confirmed that, even if he had managed it, no one would have cared.
In the split second following the catastrophic goof, Simpson was seen scanning the room to ascertain the extent of the damage, according to several concurring eyewitness reports. It only took one glance, however, to realize that his social capital was completely blown. Lizzy Anders, whose sister was hosting the party, commented, “It was literally so sad. I just can't even. I swear to God, I think I saw him crying into his Rubinoff and Gatorade.”
Acquaintances of Simpson confirmed that he was thrown off for the rest of the night, noting that he accidentally spilled a cup of wine on his crush’s dress.
At press time, Simpson could be heard muttering, “Fuck, I nailed it like five times this morning,” as people filed out of the room to go join a game of Parcheesi.