An undergraduate investigative team lead by Satire V has made the surprising discovery that the Deans of Harvard College are not, as previously thought, homo sapiens, but, shockingly — beans.
Refried Bean Khurana was quick to reassure students. “We won’t let this uproot our community. We will fry, fry again until we succ-seed in sprouting a stronger community.”
Baked Bean Dingman was more indignant in his response. “Are you kidney me right now? Who spilled the beans?” demanded Baked Bean Dingman, “Did somebody stalk me?” He was, however, quickly distracted by a passing group of hot chickpeas.
Others among the administration seemed to need some time for self-reflection themselves. “I am bean,” quietly whispered Soybean Adam of Adams House to himself, “Soy bean…soybean.” In a show of solidarity, String Bean Sean sighed, “It isn’t easy being [a] green [bean].”
Meanwhile, disbelief has spread a-Mung the undergraduate community of the small liberal arts school right outside of Bean Town. Said Katy East ’20, “I’m really happy for them, and lima let them finish [their careers], but I don’t need the support of a bunch of has-beans.”
“And I can’t believe I’ve bean getting advice from a Navy bean,” chimed in Army ROTC member Alana Miller ’19. “I’ve bean counting on him!”
Not all responses have bean negative. Said the lead investigator of the Satire V team, “Hey, I think it’s kind of cute, okay?”