SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Bummer: God Just Announced One Person Gets to Live Forever, But It's Fucking Tim

Fucking Tim gets to eat pasta for the rest of time.
God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, just decreed that he would make an exception to the rule that everyone has to die. That sounded totally awesome at first, until it turned out that fucking Tim is the one who gets to live forever. What a bummer! 
 
No other human has ever experienced eternal life until Tim, an absolutely pathetic lowlife who takes lunch at his desk while watching YouTube videos on his phone. Who knows what Tim, who once Googled "is it acceptable to go to the movies alone," will do on Earth until the end of time. Unbelievable!
 
Although it could have been Sophie, who is freakin' hilarious, or Parth, who has a pet chinchilla, God has confirmed that motherfucking Tim is definitely going to live forever. Did the Heavenly Father even consider reviving someone who has already died, like Abraham Lincoln or Cleopatra? Are we really expected to believe that the only person worthy of avoiding the fate of all mortals, living or dead, is fucking Tim? Wow, this is such a downer.
 
Tim, whose job title is "Program Assistant" and whose favorite food is "pasta," will likely spend the rest of his days being boring and alone, while other cooler people go to Hell or whatever. If you asked Tim whether he would want to live forever, he would probably just say "maybe." Maybe! Yet Tim will live forever, which is so fucking depressing.

For Christ's sake, Tim doesn't even believe in you, God! I have been nothing but faithful to you, O Lord, my entire life. Why couldn't it have been me? Why have you forsaken me in favor of fucking Tim, whose favorite movie is 2006 remake of The Pink Panther? Is that just your sense of humor? Both possible answers to that question are so depressing.
 
Well, that's it. Goddamn Tim is going to be the only person to ever live forever, and so help me God if Samantha is next...
 
Image credit: methodsman.com
© 2017
Category: