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Deeply Entrenched Patriarchy Apologizes to Women Everywhere

Sorry for taking your right to equal pay and a fair bonus. I’m taking your phone too.

In light of a recent apology by rapper and this year’s Yardfest artist Tyga for such lyrics as “shut the fuck up and jump on this dick” and “need a bitch that can fuck, cook, clean right” – denounced by critics as potentially “misogynistic” – another alleged source of female oppression has issued a surprising statement of remorse. During his lunch break this past Tuesday, Senior Vice President Mike J. Sansbury revealed to coworkers in JP Morgan’s corporate cafeteria that on behalf of “the establishment,” he was “very sorry about the root causes of sexism.” Insisting that Tyga’s transgressions were merely “superficial symptoms” of a much deeper problem that Sansbury and his male associates had created “over many, many centuries,” he noted that the rap artist deserved neither the virulent hatred – nor “all that attention and publicity” – that he received.

“After all,” Sansbury noted, “without the salient preexisting heteronormative stereotypes that we, the patriarchy, have done so much to strengthen and maintain, Tyga’s lyrics wouldn’t be possible. We’re the frame of reference,” as he unbuttoned the jacket of his crisp pinstripe Brooks Brothers suit. “In fact, if anyone deserves the rampant media attention, I’d argue it’d be us. Well, wouldn’t you look at us! We’re the real bad guys in this situation.” He continued by citing such severe problems as persistent wage disparities, pervasive objectification of women for advertising and corporate gain, and even “the continued right of elected men to determine what women can and cannot do with their bodies” as proof that the patriarchy had Tyga beat. “No, but seriously, look at us,” he added. Sansbury was last seen standing on the organic salad bar, muttering “Hey, listen to me!” and “I’m here, I exist!” to several female investment bankers tiredly returning their trays and heading back to their cubicles to work hard for promotions for which they would be inevitably and unfairly overlooked.

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