SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Inspiring! This Man Is Downright Disgusting and Still Objectifies Women

Jenkins relaxes on the couch after a long day of making unprompted comments about women's bodies.

CLEVELAND, OH—An inspiration to men everywhere, 54-year-old Chuck Jenkins has not used soap in a month and still objectifies women.

This morning, Jenkins rolled out of bed in beer-stained sweatpants, decided against showering or shaving for the 29th day in a row, and headed to his local coffeehouse. “Hey tutz,” he said to the 19-year-old barista, Alison Smith, who works at the coffeehouse to pay her college tuition. “I’ll take my coffee as hot as you are.”

“That dude is my hero,” said 32-year-old Alex Andrews, a venture capitalist who watched the scene in the coffeehouse unfold. “Imagine being that unkempt and still treating women like they are property! If he can make hardworking women feel like dirt when he’s wearing a Hooters t-shirt, I’m sure I can find innovative ways to demean women when I’m wearing a three-piece suit.”

After leaving the coffeehouse, Jenkins headed to the grocery store, where his crumb-filled beard made the whole place smell like weeks-old trout. As 28-year-old cashier Cassandra Ellison sold him grapes, Jenkins quipped, “I’m more of a melons guy myself.”

“I was honestly impressed,” Ellison remarked afterwards. “I mean, he’s morbidly obese and still thinks women are exclusively built to please him—women could learn a lot from that kind of totally unfounded confidence!”

At press time, Jenkins, who voted against Hillary Clinton for “policy reasons,” elected to buy a copy of Playboy instead of a bottle of shampoo.

Image credit: Merriam-Webster

© 2017
Category: