Last week, a group of recent Wesleyan graduates became annoyed at their long-time friend, Richard Bernstein, after he regrettably showed up to their annual Fantasy Football draft in full wizard attire.

“The email said ‘FANTASY draft’. When we were in college that was code for ‘bring your monster manual and tetrahedral dice set’. I polished my bow staff and everything,” said Bertstein. “Oh God…what’s my reason for living?”

The draft commissioner, Kip Smithers, Bernstein’s friend and former roommate, conceded that the group of friends had dabbled in the age-old fantasy game Dungeons and Dragons while in college, but reiterated that they had not played the game since graduating. He was dismayed upon realizing that Richard had failed to mentally remove himself from the immortal realms of the game.

“All we asked him to do was remember the bean dip…” said Smithers, shaking his head. “It was that simple…ugh…I really thought he had finally outgrown that phase…and that tattered cloak. I mean jeez, he looks homeless.”

Despite Bernstein’s confusion, the draft was held. It was apparent that Bernstein, being new to Fantasy Football, did not understand the point of the whole ordeal. Among his notable picks was Ndamukong Suh of the Detroit Lions, whom Bernstein chose because “his name could easily be heard resounding through the caverns of Middle Earth”.

“Ndamukong’s presence upon the field of battle shall be great,” Bernstein emphasized, “and he shall accomplish any task given unto him by the almighty Dungeon Master Roger Goodell. The ultimate reward for his success shall not be the $25 Hooters gift card of which Kip has spoken of. No, it shall be eternal glory.”

Shaking his head, Smithers privately added, “Yeah, we really need to get him some help…” before turning to yell, “GODDAMNIT BERNIE, FOR THE LAST TIME, MY CAT’S NOT A FUCKING GOBLIN!”