SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Quiz: Is Staying in Tonight an Act of Self Care or a Symptom of Depression?

Take it easy! You may have earned this.

We’ve all been there: you’re sprawled on your shitty futon with an empty bag of off-brand cheese puffs on your ninth episode of Parks and Recreation, thinking, “I’m not sure I want to have any contact with other human beings tonight.” A typical Friday! But we know what you’re wondering: is you staying in tonight an act of radical self-care or a symptom of your crippling depression? Take our quiz to find out!

 

Have you had a busy day?

a)    Well, yeah, actually, I have! I had class, section, a midterm, a group project meeting, 6 hours of rehearsal, and blocking group dinner. I’m exhausted!

b)   Of course I did! I had section this morning—I mean I didn’t go, but like, I did get up with the intention to go… and I responded to an email. So yeah. I’m exhausted.

 

What time is it?

a)    Like 8:00!

b)   Like 8:00—no, nope, it’s 2:37. Huh.

 

How many meals have you had today?

a)    Ugh lol I was so tired this morning so I didn’t get my usual banana and cereal from the DHall but I had a quick lunch at Clover and dinner with friends!

b)   Does a pack of stale Double Stuf Oreos count as a meal? If so, three.

 

How many nights this week have you stayed in?

a)    Well I’ve had a lot of homework, so like 2 or 3.

b)   What day is it again? My curtains are closed so the passage of time means nothing to me.

 

Are you in your pajamas?

a)    No, not yet. But I might be soon, lol!

b)   I’ve been in my pajamas for the past three days and have no intention of changing that.

 

How many hours of Tasty videos have you watched today while lying immobilized in bed?

a)    What?

b)   I don’t know but I ran out of new ones so now I’m watching Bien Tasty.

 

Do you genuinely enjoy staying in or is it just the easiest thing to do?

a)    Oh I’ve been looking forward to a moment to just stay in and chill out all week. This is my me time! I have a glass of wine, some snacks… Treat yourself!

b)   I guess? I enjoy this, right? I can’t think of anything else I’d rather be doing, so. I don’t not like it. I have some three-week old boxed wine, and like… there are probably some leftover snacks in the pile of discarded snack packaging surrounding my bed…I don’t know, ok? You think if I wanted to examine the condition of my mental health I’d be mindlessly scrolling through Facebook clicking on anything that even remotely catches my eye, like some click bait parody quiz from Satire V? I don’t fucking think so.

 

How did you find this quiz?

a)    Fun!

b)   Fucking exhausting.

 

 

Results

Mostly a’s:

Staying in tonight is a generous act of self care! You lead a busy and stressful life but you know when to take the time you need to rejuvenate and relax. Mental health is important! So go ahead and curl up on your perfectly made bed and enjoy the ambiance of your carefully crafted décor. Maybe even turn in early! You have a full day tomorrow ;)

 

Mostly b’s:

Staying in tonight is a symptom of your ongoing clinical depression! Looks like the old serotonin deficiency strikes again. This may feel like an act of conscientious self care, but you’re actually probably isolating yourself from people because you find social interaction exhausting and don’t see the point in feeling even more isolated surrounded by people even if you do enjoy their company so better to stay home and ride this out or whatever until you go to sleep which could honestly be right now but then it’ll be tomorrow and ugghhhhh. In your case, self care would probably be doing the laundry covering half your room or interacting with another living person! You can also try not referring to your body as a flesh prison.

 

About even:

Wow! Looks like staying in tonight is an act of self care that helps you cope with depression! You live a busy life and definitely need time to rest every now and then, but you also have major depressive disorder and constantly feel like you need to “rest” from being alive. So go ahead, curl up, and enjoy a chill night, but try not to think about how you want to become one with the endless void by being absorbed into your mattress.

© 2017
Category: