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Tatte is So Good I Took Out Equity on My Home to Buy Croissants, Please Help

So warm, so soft, so delicious...oh no I have a SERIOUS problem.
I am so glad that Tatte just opened a location in Harvard Square. And the bakery's timing is especially great, since the HUDS strike has just begun! Wow, what a happy coincidence!
 
After the Harvard Square Panera Bread closed down a few months ago, I experienced a crisis of faith, which spiraled into a bitter depression. I have been praying for hours every day for a sign that all has not been lost. My faith was shaken; what kind of cruel God would allow this to happen?
 
But now my prayers have been answered. With croissants! A lot of croissants. Croissants with butter, and with jam. Chocolate croissants. Pistachio croissaints! Sweet, flaky crescents of unfettered goodness...
 
Perhaps too many croissants.
 
Listen, I have a bit of a problem. I just took out $50,000 worth of equity on my home to buy croissants, and I am in some dire straits.
 
It turns out that a croissant is not a good investment. It loses value almost instantly. And you wouldn't believe how many croissants I have purchased in just the span of a week. Last night I fed my family croissant stew for dinner, and it was disgusting. The croissants just melted and got all soggy.
 
Why, God? Why would you tempt me with these perfectly baked pastries in my hour of weakness?
 
Look, I need some money. Just enough to get through the week. The secondary market for croissants is almost nonexistent. I mean, how was I supposed to know that you can't sell a croissant to a homeless man for a profit? Oh I'm so sorry that you "have no money." This is my third mortgage!
 
Now my wife thinks I'm a failure, and my daughter has lost all respect for me. Hell, even my dog ran away because apparently croissants aren't dog food either. I'm down to my last few dollars. The bank is foreclosing next week, and I don't know what do to. My dreams are dead.
 
But at least I can prevent someone else from making the same mistake. So please, I urge anyone reading this article: it is not too late. Do not use the equity on your home to buy croissants at Tatte. It is a terrible, terrible idea. 
 
Besides, Au Bon Pain makes similar croissants for half the price oh my God I need help.

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