FROM NPR NEWS IN WASHINGTON - Public radio hosts Terry Gross and Diane Rehm met for an epic cage-style interview yesterday in an auditorium at American University in Washington, DC.

 

The highly anticipated matchup pits two of America's most beloved national treasures against each other in what some are calling, "Rumble on the Airwaves: Provocative Questions, Provocative Punches in the Face, 2016."

 

"Thank you for joining us, I'm Diane Rehm," began the recently retired host of WAMU's The Diane Rehm Show, with nearly 40 years of experience in the ring. "Now let's get cracking. And I ain't talking about hard-hitting reporting." She added, "I'm talking about your pelvis, Terry."

 

For her part, Terry Gross was not to be outdone. 

 

"From WHYY in Philadelphia, this is your last breath of Fresh Air, Diane," Gross screamed as softly as she could into the microphone. "I'm Terry motherfucking Gross."

 

NPR newscaster Lakshmi Singh, selected to referee the interview, appeared confused throughout. "According to reports, I had no idea what was going on. Why would these wonderful women ask each other such terrible, disgusting questions? And punch each other in the face? Whose idea was this?"

 

The questions were indeed quite personal. "I've heard that, growing up, you never knew your father," asked Gross. "Tell me, what is it like to be a total fucking loser?"

 

Rehm, though hit hard, returned the punch. "Funny you should ask, Terry. How does it feel knowing that when you die they won't even have to change the name of your show?" Rehm then punched Gross in the face.

 

Bent but not broken, the two respected radio personalities appeared before reporters at a press conference. "We're going to give all the money we raised to charity," said Rehm. "By which I mean we're going to give it to Terry's show."

 

But the hosts have agreed on one thing: next week they're going to beat the shit out of This American Life's Ira Glass.