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MADLIB: So Sorry I Can’t Come to Your Event

Woman staring at computer

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your NOUN. I really want to come—I loooove NOUN—but I will be GERUND this weekend.

I really wanted to come—I swear I had it VERB in my Google calendar and everything! I was talking to PROPER NOUN about it just yesterday, PRONOUN can tell you. Isn’t PROPER NOUN coming? I love PRONOUN!

Study Shows More Young Variables Opting for Causal Relationships

STANFORD, CA — A new study released by researchers at Stanford University shows that more and more young variables are choosing to keep their relationships causal. 

Woman Angry at Dipshit Boyfriend Who Won’t Oh Wait Just Kidding He Replied To Her Text

Woman staring at phone angrily

LOS ANGELES — As Kelly Lawson ferociously gulped down heaping spoonfuls of ice cream in a fit of blind feminine rage, her bitter diatribe about the heartlessness of men abruptly came to a halt Thursday night when her boyfriend finally replied to her carefully drafted text, causing her to immediately vindicate all faults of the male population that she had just painstakingly detailed for the past 12 minutes.

Four Dignity Tabs so They Won’t Know You’re Reading up on Ingrid Michaelson

ingrid

Nothing’s worse than being caught in the act when you’re trying to find out more about the life of noted singer-songwriter Ingrid Michaelson. Not to worry—when some guy walks behind you, just awkwardly fumble around as if you've never used a computer before and click on one of these babies. Here are four dignity tabs that will totally distract those prying eyes!

1. The Atlantic

Listicle: That’s Facts

facts

365 days in a year? That's facts.

The telephonic transmission of scanned printed material to a telephone number connected to a printer? That's fax.

A food and fiber crop cultivated in cooler regions of the world? That's flax.

A woman whose cancer cells are immortal? That's Lacks.

Inclinations or natural gifts for things? That's knacks.

A break or opening in something? That's cracks.

Man spending every day trying to rationalize how he's married to Kristen Bell? That's Dax.

Small colorful sharp dots? That's tacks.

Daycare Discussion Dominated by C-Section Kid

HARRISBURG DAYCARE CENTER – Area toddler Jimmy R. Conners reportedly dominated his daycare’s sharing-time session for the third time this week. Conners, who was brought into the world by Cesarean section and is unreasonably proud of that, continually interrupted his classmates during their show-and-tell presentations.

“He didn’t let me finish talking about my pet goldfish,” Adrianna W. Lin explained, moments before breaking into tears.

Four Artsy Lattes That Say “I’m a Slave to Capitalism”

You're a lifestyle blogger with a chic aesthetic, lots of time, and too much money in your bank account. You want to show your social media followers that you're trendy and relatable but also willing to die on the altar of mass consumerism. Try one of these four artsy lattes that say "I'm a slave to capitalism." 

Study Shows Most Effective Way to Reach God is Through Instagram Bio

insta

THE INTERNET — A comprehensive study by the Pew Research Institute reported Tuesday that the most effective way to communicate with God is by adding a psalm verse to the end of an Instagram bio.

The report investigated several modes of religious communication, including traditional praying, saying the Lord's name in vain, and staring forlornly at the sky. But Tim E. Harris, the lead analyst, stated the study found that only religious shout-outs on Instagram were directly linked to positive outcomes.

Quirky White Man Interested in Japanese Culture

Wes Anderson
A PLEASING SYMMETRICAL LANDSCAPE, USA — Sources report that another quirky white man is interested in Japanese culture. Wes Anderson, a 48-year-old American director, expressed his fascination with Japan by setting his new stop motion movie, Isle of Dogs, in the country.
 
The film features a 12-year-old Japanese child and his dog, Spots, whose name is Japanese for "lol, these white people." The two characters are joined by a cast of dogs who also have traditional Japanese names: Rex, King, Duke, Boss, and Chief.
 

An Oral History of “The Office” But We Could Only Get Ahold of the Guy Who Played Roy

roy from the office

The Office was a once-in-a-generation American sitcom that aired from 2005 to 2013. Based on the British sitcom of the same name created by Ricky Gervais—the hairier Bill Maher—the American version was created by some Harvard Lampoon nerd named Greg. We tried to get everyone involved in this instant classic to talk about how it all came together, but we could only get ahold of the guy who played Roy, a film and television actor named David Denman.

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