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Exclusive: Song Lyrics from Disney's Paul Ryan Musical

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Paul Ryan

Looking like you’re in a slump.

Chris Christie here’d love to be you, Paul Ryan

Even when brown-nosing Trump.

There’s no man in town as reviled as you

You’re everyone’s least fav’rite guy.

Everyone’s not reconciled with you

And it’s not very hard to see whyyy!

 

No

One

Lies like Paul Ryan

Justifies like Paul Ryan

Doesn’t care about poor people's lives like Paul Ryan.

For there’s no man in town half as spineless

Perfect and credibly white.

Community Chest the Rapper Finds $1 Million Bank Error in Favor of Chicago Public Schools

CHICAGO, IL – Not to be outdone by his more famous counterpart Chance, Community Chest the Rapper found a million-dollar bank error in favor of public schools last Thursday.

Point/Counterpoint: Marijuana Should Not vs. Should Be Legalized

Point: Marijuana Should Not Be legalized 
By Jeff Sessions

There is a growing epidemic in this great nation. Several states have legalized recreational marijuana. This is a grave mistake. Wherever drugs go, crime follows. Soon you’ll see violence rise across the nation as a result of this deadly drug.  

Who Said It: Katie Lapp or Fetty Wap?

1.     “You may drop off donations at some open house locations.” 

2.     “When I go to clubs I don’t have to wait outside.”  

3.     “When I go to final clubs I don’t have to wait outside.” 

4.     “Eustace! What is that strange contraption? It’s got the likeness of a horse carriage made of tin!”

5.     “Counting all this bread I don’t talk to feds”

6.     “Counting all this bread I don’t talk to HUDS workers”

7.     “I do this for my squad, I do this for my gang, it’s Zoovie from the trap and ain’t a damn thing change”

MEMES!!

(memes)

Memes,

Here’s one of them now: a meme.

And another meme…here? No? Where would your preferred meme spot be, then?

Oh oh oh, hOO MAN! That’s a meme right there! There it is! 

mEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEme

MEME

MEME

MEME

meme

Même?

No, mEme.

Barron Trump, White House Butler Thwart Portrait Thief

WASHINGTON – Barron Trump, the youngest son of President Donald Trump, and White House butler Reginald Yarmouth teamed up yesterday to thwart a would-be portrait thief.

According to a source familiar with the event, the pair was ambling around the East Wing when they spotted a suspicious character.

“Hey Reginald, does anything about that man over there seem strange to you?” asked the young Trump.

Report: Only 3% of Murderers Actually Use Phrase "Foul Play"

BOSTON, MA—Citing his voluminous expertise, local murderer Ted Wilson, 31, substantiated a report by the Bureau of Murder Statistics that only 3% of murderers call murdering ‘foul play.' "All the time in the newspaper I read the phrase 'police suspect the death was the result of foul play,'" Wilson told reporters on Friday, "but real murderers never call it that." 

Office of Student Life Releases List of Uncommon Spaces

While plenty of ink has been spilled over common spaces at Harvard, little attention has been given to more uncommon spaces. Luckily, the Office of Student Life has released a list of uncommon spaces for student reference:
 
1. That space between your bed and the wall where you once dropped a mechanical pencil
 
2. The currently-under-construction basement of Winthrop
 
3. The pocket of your roommate's winter jacket
 
4. Annenberg in the hour in between Breakfast and lunch
 

SeaWorld Ends Captive Human Breeding Program

SAN DIEGO – After fourteen years of rearing their trainers in captivity, SeaWorld announced that they will no longer facilitate the spawning of any humans for their amusement parks. This decision has been long awaited by many human rights activists, who have criticized SeaWorld for their unethical treatment of human trainers.

New Spotify Algorithm Accurately Predicts Music You Want Sara To Think You’re Listening To

Sara being charming and better than you, as always.

STOCKHOLM — After months of research and development, engineers at Spotify have finished a groundbreaking playback algorithm that shows Sara a live feed of the music you are definitely listening to right now. Spotify’s thorough analysis of the beloved iPod Classic you told her must have fallen out of her backpack has mathematically confirmed that convincing Sara you actually like Animal Collective is the key to her bespectacled heart.  

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