SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Everything Else

Listicle: That’s Facts

facts

365 days in a year? That's facts.

The telephonic transmission of scanned printed material to a telephone number connected to a printer? That's fax.

A food and fiber crop cultivated in cooler regions of the world? That's flax.

A woman whose cancer cells are immortal? That's Lacks.

Inclinations or natural gifts for things? That's knacks.

A break or opening in something? That's cracks.

Man spending every day trying to rationalize how he's married to Kristen Bell? That's Dax.

Small colorful sharp dots? That's tacks.

Daycare Discussion Dominated by C-Section Kid

HARRISBURG DAYCARE CENTER – Area toddler Jimmy R. Conners reportedly dominated his daycare’s sharing-time session for the third time this week. Conners, who was brought into the world by Cesarean section and is unreasonably proud of that, continually interrupted his classmates during their show-and-tell presentations.

“He didn’t let me finish talking about my pet goldfish,” Adrianna W. Lin explained, moments before breaking into tears.

Four Artsy Lattes That Say “I’m a Slave to Capitalism”

You're a lifestyle blogger with a chic aesthetic, lots of time, and too much money in your bank account. You want to show your social media followers that you're trendy and relatable but also willing to die on the altar of mass consumerism. Try one of these four artsy lattes that say "I'm a slave to capitalism." 

Study Shows Most Effective Way to Reach God is Through Instagram Bio

insta

THE INTERNET — A comprehensive study by the Pew Research Institute reported Tuesday that the most effective way to communicate with God is by adding a psalm verse to the end of an Instagram bio.

The report investigated several modes of religious communication, including traditional praying, saying the Lord's name in vain, and staring forlornly at the sky. But Tim E. Harris, the lead analyst, stated the study found that only religious shout-outs on Instagram were directly linked to positive outcomes.

Quirky White Man Interested in Japanese Culture

Wes Anderson
A PLEASING SYMMETRICAL LANDSCAPE, USA — Sources report that another quirky white man is interested in Japanese culture. Wes Anderson, a 48-year-old American director, expressed his fascination with Japan by setting his new stop motion movie, Isle of Dogs, in the country.
 
The film features a 12-year-old Japanese child and his dog, Spots, whose name is Japanese for "lol, these white people." The two characters are joined by a cast of dogs who also have traditional Japanese names: Rex, King, Duke, Boss, and Chief.
 

An Oral History of “The Office” But We Could Only Get Ahold of the Guy Who Played Roy

roy from the office

The Office was a once-in-a-generation American sitcom that aired from 2005 to 2013. Based on the British sitcom of the same name created by Ricky Gervais—the hairier Bill Maher—the American version was created by some Harvard Lampoon nerd named Greg. We tried to get everyone involved in this instant classic to talk about how it all came together, but we could only get ahold of the guy who played Roy, a film and television actor named David Denman.

Feminist Win: We Wanted to Show These Men What Period Cramps Feel Like, But We Couldn’t Figure Out How, So Instead We Broke Their Kneecaps and Called It Even

Woman with two thumbs up
Ladies, it’s no secret that period cramps suck. No matter how woke your boyfriend may seem, he will never truly understand the pain that we women have to face every single month. 

That is, until now! (Depending on how you define and equate pain!)

You heard right! We put our heads together, batted around some ideas, and showed a few men more or less what period cramps feel like by breaking their kneecaps with a crowbar. Feminist win!

Where Are They Now? (My Keys)

Woman Looking for Keys
Have you been wondering just where your keys ended up since you last saw them? Are they wildly more attractive than the last time you saw them? Did they get a lot rustier? Have they done, like, anything in the meantime?
 
My keys have been absent from my life for the past six hours. I've been unable to leave my home. Where are they now?
 
1. The bedside table? 
Nope, not there.

2. The kitchen? 
I did have them when I grabbed a drink from the fridge...but they’re not there. 

3. The car? 

Who Said It: Lil Pump or a Gas Station Pump?

A picture of the musician Lil Pump and a gas pump

Lil Pump, born Gazzy Garcia, is the voice of our generation. A gas station pump is a machine at a filling station that is used to pump gasoline, petrol, diesel, or other types of fuel into vehicles. Take this quiz and figure out who said each!

Researchers Find Best Time to Post a Profile Picture Is Never Because You Are Ugly

Scientist

After two years of social media statistical analysis, scientists at the General Research Organization for Social Science (GROSS) have determined that the most effective time to post a profile picture on Facebook is never because you are ugly.  

Pages