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Horse Parliament Deadlock Continues

Monday evening for the 3,491st week in a row the Horse Parliament failed to pass any legislation. After days of frantic negotiation in preparation for Monday’s vote, many had high hopes but at the end of the day, every piece of legislation proposed was voted down by a margin of 100 “Nays.” For whatever reason, the horse MPs were unanimous in their disapproval.  The news is sure to stirrup emotions, especially among those chomping at the bit to overturn the ruling party.

Darth Vader Arrested in France For Violating Burqa Ban

Darth Vader, a senior figure in the government of the Intergalactic Empire, has been arrested while holidaying on the French Riviera for violating France’s ban on wearing the burqa in public spaces.

France’s government has refused to release Mr. Vader, stating that the law applied equally to all, and placed him in a high-security cell after he attempted to use Jedi mind tricks to try and convince the prison guards to release him.

Man Shows Up to Fantasy Football Draft Dressed as Wizard

Kanye West Slammed For Controversial “Forty-Seven Percent” Comment

In a disaster certain to alienate many, Kanye West appeared in a leaked video in which he made derogatory remarks about his fanbase. 

“There are 47 percent of people that will listen to my music no matter what,” West says in the now-infamous video, “All right, there are 47 percent who feel like they’re black when they listen to my music, who feel like they can wear flat-brims and thick chains and wear grills when they’re bumpin’ my beats, and that’s okay."            

Monsanto Surprises Market with Soft-Pore Corn

CREVE-COUER, MO – Corn-lovers of America, get ready: Monsanto’s latest hybrid seed development will have you salivating.

The biotechnology company, which is responsible for 4,000 distinct seed varieties, last Tuesday unveiled its latest, a “soft-pore corn” which is expected to be available to farmers by the 2013 growing season. “We hope that diners will enjoy the cob’s delicate kernels, which burst easily to release sweet juices into the mouth,” said the company in an official statement.

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Hipster Wizard Creates Spells You’ve Never Heard Of

LONDON -- It’s not a big deal or anything, but yesterday, wizard Perseus M. Higgle discovered this great little charm that you’ve definitely never heard of. According to Higgle, the spell, which must not be named, requires only a lazy wave of the hand. Onlookers, however, report that it might be harder than it looks, and Macy K. Limbum “definitely saw his hornrims mist up a little bit.”

Adele Skips Grammys After Scientific Discovery

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - International music sensation Adele announced today that she had rediscovered Greek Fire, the enigmatic liquid used by the Byzantine Empire to set the ocean ablaze, the secrets of which had been lost for centuries. The announcement comes in lieu of her expected appearance at the Grammy Awards. The singer-songwriter claims the discovery would not have been possible had it not been for her throat surgery in November.

Researchers Near Cuteness Barrier

Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider announced last Thursday that they have made groundbreaking strides in their attempts to break the cuteness barrier.

"Scientists have long been fascinated by breaking barriers," commented head researcher David Richardson, "and since we have already discovered how to break the sound and awkwardness barriers, the cuteness barrier was the next logical step."

From the Archives: December 1877, Edison Unveils Phonograph

MENLO PARK, New Jersey -- Throngs of die-hard fans of Thomas Edison packed the auditorium of the famed innovator's Menlo Park complex Wednesday last to witness the unveiling of the "Invention Factory's" latest product.

No formal announcement had been made of the event, but leaflets bearing the cryptic message: "Are you listening? -- E" have been seen on telegraph poles along the Atlantic seaboard for nearly a fortnight, and dedicated technophiles knew that their beloved Alva had another Christmas present in store for them
this year.

New iPhone App Supplies GPS for Life Choices

SILICON VALLEY, CA -- Amid the flurry of applications being released everyday on Apple's iPhone, developers have been stretching their imaginations to satisfy consumers.

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