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Everything Else

Scientist Claims Other Weapons Besides Shotgun Effective Against Zombies

In the discovery of the decade, Michael Fineman, some sort of scientist at UCLA, has released a press release stating that other weapons, besides shotguns are effective against zombies. Such weapons include atomic bombs, chlorine gas, AK-47's, and slingshots. Dr. Fineman however warns that only the latter will be effective in the zombie apocalypse that is likely to occur in coming decade.

Satire V's Advice for Summer Internships

  1. Update your resume. We're sure you accomplished a lot in your latest stint in jail.
  2. Try new things. Don't bother with the protocol for handling nuclear waste, just go for it.
  3. Sexual harassment rules can be confusing. Test the boundaries to find out exactly what's okay.
  4. Park in the handicapped spot. Those people could use the exercise anyway.
  5. Don't forget to write thank you notes. It won't make the lawsuit go away, but it will give you a warm cozy feeling.
  6. Used up all your sick days? Ever heard of bomb threats?

Top 5 Ways for HUDS to Save Money

  1. Sell ad space; replace Veritaffles with Geico-affles. They're about the same size, but have 15% less taste.
  2. Don't just combine breakfast and lunch into brunch. Lunch + supper = lupper.
  3. Take the crack out of Cracklin' Oat Bran.
  4. Get rid of the brown rice, but set aside some white rice to drop in dirt before serving.
  5. More squash. And then even more squash.

Trojan Releases Penis Flavored Condom

The world of flavored condoms was rocked yesterday as Trojan
released a secret flavor long in development.  The new ""penis flavored"" condoms
come at the head of extensive scientific research into men's nether regions.

Said the Trojan design team, ""Women nowadays want something raw and virile.
 Something potent.  Cherry and citrus-flavored condoms are too weak for adequate
arousal.  By contrast, the penis-flavored condom will usher in a new era of
sexual pleasure.  Society returns to its roots.""

Historical Sell-Out Products

In the 2008 Presidential election,
venders turned huge profits by exploiting the image and message of Barack Obama
on everything from T-shirts to It's Time for a Change Diapers.  This is nothing
new.  Fame and social action has been exploited for centuries:

Elmo Celebrates 21st Birthday


How Are We Liking Our Meat?

Young - 15%

Black - 18%
Medium Rare - 11%
Endangered - 6%
Fresh off the cob - 21%
Done right - 13%
"Animal-style" - 16%

How to Protect Your Home From: BURGLARS

1. Make your home look occupied - hire a bunch of people to hang out in your house all day while you're at work. You can find these people for cheap on the streets.
2. Don't make your home inviting. Some burglars watch TV, eat, even nap while they work. Make sure to keep absolutely no sources of entertainment,
food, or beds in your home.

50,000th Member Joins 'Save Darfur' Facebook Group

In a shocking occurrence, the 50,000th member has joined the "Save Darfur" Facebook group, causing activists everywhere to rejoice that Darfur is now saved.
Aaron Pace, founder of one of the many Save Darfur Facebook groups, has repeatedly stated that if over 50,000 members should join, the militia leaders of the Janjaweed will cease violence in Sudan and stop the genocide.


Satire V: Hey Jim, how are you today?
Cramer: Look the markets may be down, people are running for the exits, but I sense a turnaround is coming
real soon. There's always a bull market somewhere!
Satire V: But the Dow is down 400 points today and 40% from its highs"