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New Spotify Algorithm Accurately Predicts Music You Want Sara To Think You’re Listening To

Sara being charming and better than you, as always.

STOCKHOLM — After months of research and development, engineers at Spotify have finished a groundbreaking playback algorithm that shows Sara a live feed of the music you are definitely listening to right now. Spotify’s thorough analysis of the beloved iPod Classic you told her must have fallen out of her backpack has mathematically confirmed that convincing Sara you actually like Animal Collective is the key to her bespectacled heart.  

Terry Gross, Diane Rehm Face Off in Epic Cage-Style Interview

FROM NPR NEWS IN WASHINGTON - Public radio hosts Terry Gross and Diane Rehm met for an epic cage-style interview yesterday in an auditorium at American University in Washington, DC.
 
The highly anticipated matchup pits two of America's most beloved national treasures against each other in what some are calling, "Rumble on the Airwaves: Provocative Questions, Provocative Punches in the Face, 2016."
 

5 Common Myths About Mumps

Hi friends,

As many of you know, mumps may or may not be back on campus. Your neighborhood HealthPALs and HUHS are here to make sure people stay healthy, especially after visiting family and while preparing for finals. In order to help you stay safe and be informed, we present these Five Myths and Facts about Mumps: 

Satire V Style: Fascism All the Rage

NEW YORK, NY -- From Paris to London to New York, fascism has taken the world by storm once more.
 
It's a surprise comeback for the form of right-wing authoritarianism. Many naysayers claimed fascism was gone forever. But I'm here to say that, despite huge unpopularity after World War Two, fascism is back, baby.
 

Election Day Mad Libs

Hey, there, [term of endearment]! Welcome to Election Day Mad Libs! Here’s what you need to know to be a(n) [adjective] citizen:

NBA Adds Choking Hazard Warnings to Warriors Dolls

OAKLAND, CA--Spurred on by a series of shocking events in Oakland that began this spring and continued yesterday, the NBA has added a “choking hazard” warning to its popular Warriors doll collection, while officials at the Consumer Safety Commission have launched a full-fledged investigation into the dolls.  

God Announces Next Season of Humanity To Be Put On Hiatus

HEAVEN -- In response to months of declining viewership, creative differences, and the general shitshow of human awfulness that has been 2016, Our Heavenly Father announced earlier this morning that the next season of Humanity would be put on hiatus.
 
"I just don't like where this is going right now," God confirmed in an e-mailed statement. "Zika virus? The Syrian refugee crisis? ISIS? I think the seraphs and I just need to regroup and go back to the drawing board. We'll see where we proceed from there."
 

Tatte is So Good I Took Out Equity on My Home to Buy Croissants, Please Help

I am so glad that Tatte just opened a location in Harvard Square. And the bakery's timing is especially great, since the HUDS strike has just begun! Wow, what a happy coincidence!
 
After the Harvard Square Panera Bread closed down a few months ago, I experienced a crisis of faith, which spiraled into a bitter depression. I have been praying for hours every day for a sign that all has not been lost. My faith was shaken; what kind of cruel God would allow this to happen?
 

VES Department to Hold Week-Long Shrek Marathon

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Next week, faculty and students in the VES department are planning on holding a week-long marathon of the 2001 feature film Shrek, citing the film’s high quality and superiority over every other film of every genre ever made. The move comes as a delightful surprise to those who have seen the movie once before, and especially to those who have already seen it ten times.
 

NASA Releases Official Horoscopes Including New Zodiac Sign

With the discovery that shifts in the Earth's axis have made the constellation Ophiuchus a thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, astronomers and astrologers alike in a tizzy. These new revelations have made it eminently clear that everything we thought we knew about ourselves, our fellow man, and our universe is utter bullshit. In an attempt to assuage these concerns, NASA has released official new horoscope readings for all thirteen signs.

 

Aquarius

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