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LEAKED: Taylor Swift's New “Reputation” Songs

Taylor Swift's Reputation, one of the year's most hotly anticipated albums, is scheduled for release this November. Satire V got a sneak peek at the pop songstress' upcoming songs: 

1. "I Love Bread"

Proving herself once again to be the queen of relatability, Swift pays homage to an American staple in this sparkling opening track. Thanks to a two-year advertising contract with Wonder Bread, each album comes with a loaf of Wonder Bread’s new special-edition white bread—available only at Target. 

2. "Fuck Me, Tall Boy" 

Inspiring! This Man Is Downright Disgusting and Still Objectifies Women

CLEVELAND, OH—An inspiration to men everywhere, 54-year-old Chuck Jenkins has not used soap in a month and still objectifies women.

This morning, Jenkins rolled out of bed in beer-stained sweatpants, decided against showering or shaving for the 29th day in a row, and headed to his local coffeehouse. “Hey tutz,” he said to the 19-year-old barista, Alison Smith, who works at the coffeehouse to pay her college tuition. “I’ll take my coffee as hot as you are.”

5 Literally IMPOSSIBLE “Would You Rathers” for People with Fears of Commitment

A woman thinking

These "would you rather" questions are darn near impossible, especially if you have a paralyzing fear of commitment. Would you rather...

1. Flunk out of college OR not be allowed to respond “maybe” to your friend’s party on Facebook?

Oh boy is this one difficult. You could choose to be an incredible disappointment to your family and jeopardize your future job prospects. But then again how can you be certain that you won’t be invited to an even better party at the same time?

 

Sad: These Students Want to Buy Glasses from Warby Parker but They Can't Find It Yet

Herds of visually challenged people have been wandering about the Square, tripping over poorly placed bricks and bumping into Charlize, the woman (-0.25 prescription) who calls out your number at Tasty Burger. It's a shame these poor, glassesless souls are incapable of knowing that an Eyeglass Elysium with low, low prices is just a burger's throw away. Like God Himself, they cannot see the source of their own salvation. Yikes!

6 Clothing Items That Respect the Fuck out of the Flag

1) How about this one? Yeah, that's some respect right there.

2) How about this? This is respect.

8 Positions You CAN Hold During the National Anthem

1. Center field

2. Downward-facing dog
 
3. Devil's advocate
 
4. 40.3399° N, 127.5101° E
 
5. Fetal
 
6. Assistant to the regional manager
 
7. Fiscally conservative, but socially liberal
 
8. Missionary
 
 

Modern-Day Mother Teresa Brings More Wine Than She Plans to Drink to BYOB

A modern-day Mother Teresa
LOS GATOS, CA – In a display of human kindness that was inspiring to all who looked on it, area woman and modern-day Mother Teresa Sharon Driscoll brought more alcohol than she personally planned on drinking to a friend's BYOB party.
 
"Drink up, guys!" the paragon of decency and charity announced as she set down a bottle of Chardonnay and a six pack of Woodchuck cider on a table. "There's plenty to go around!"
 

7 Amazing Lifehacks for When the Only Woman You’ve Ever Loved Leaves You for Terry

1) Start dating again! There are plenty of fish in the sea, and all you need to do is…all you need to do…is…

2) Look, Terry isn’t anything special. He doesn’t know how to make pecan pie that special way she likes it. He certainly doesn’t know how to DVR Property Brothers so she can watch it when she gets home from work! Terry is just an average guy, and there’s no way the relationship will last.

Chicken Vows to Freeze Her Eggs If She Hasn't Found a Rooster by the Time She’s 30

FARM, EASTERN MASS.—Upon turning 25 on Monday, a local chicken named Wattle hatched a plan to freeze her eggs if she hasn’t found a rooster by the time she’s 30.

“When I woke up alone on my birthday, I felt a lump in my beak because I haven’t found a cock yet,” said Wattle, clarifying that a cock is another name for an adult rooster. “I'm scrambling to find a mate, but my biological cluck is ticking."

7 Directions to Look When You See a Homeless Person on the Sidewalk

A couple walks past two homeless people.

Uh oh! It looks like you're about to pass a homeless person on the sidewalk. Lest you confront your own position of privilege in society, here are some other directions to look: 

Straight Ahead
This one is a classic. It bears all the hallmarks of what to do when you spot a homeless person in your general vicinity: ignoring them; pretending you don’t have peripheral vision; and seeming very determined to get wherever you’re going. No homeless person would judge you for being determined. 

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