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Alright, Nerds: Take This Harry Potter Quiz Full of Nonsense Fairy Words and Shut Up

The Hogwarts Coat of Arms
Listen up, geeks. We know you grown-ass doofuses love Harry Potter, so we threw together this personality quiz full of gibberish. Take it and shut up.
 
1) What's your favorite Hogwarts house? (People really have favorites, don't they?)
 
A) Babadook
B) Gobbledegook
C) Snufflestuff
D) Who gives a shit?
 

Uh Oh 'Shape of Water' Fans: Neil DeGrasse Tyson Just Reminded Everyone that Water Actually Takes the Shape of its Container

Side-by-side: The Shape of Water poster and a photo of Neil DeGrasse Tyson
It looks like fans of the surprise Academy Award favorite The Shape of Water have been put in their place! Famous scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson just reminded everyone that, like all liquids, water can only take the shape of its container.
 
Uh oh. What do you say to that, Oscar-nominated director of The Shape of Water Guillermo Del Toro?
 

Urban Outfitters Debuts “Emotionally Distant Father Jeans”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Citing the popularity of "mom jeans" and "boyfriend jeans," clothing stores around the country will soon begin selling "emotionally distant father jeans." The new style is one of several available for women who can't seem to wear their own fucking denim.

Previewed at select Urban Outfitters locations this month, the "emotionally distant father" jeans are stiff and utilitarian, with a raw underside. Their tough exterior is supposedly immune to stains, bad weather, and pleas to come to your middle school piano recital because they “didn't attend last year.”

Inspirational! This Thin, Tall, Gorgeous White Woman Is Sharing How She Found Body Confidence

A blond white woman on a magazine cover.

What an inspiration! Amanda Janson—a thin, tall, gorgeous white woman—graced the cover of Self magazine this month to share all her foolproof tips for finding body confidence. Spoiler alert: you might want to consider being born with attributes that society deems attractive!

5 Moves Guaranteed to Blow Her Mind that Are All CONSENT

A woman and a check mark that says yes
 
Concerned about your BLAH, mediocre performance? Worried that YOUR woman is bored in bed? 
 
Give your woman the type of mind-blowing sex she craves. Here are five easy steps guaranteed to light her fire that are all CONSENT: 
 
1. Dirty Talk 
 

I Already Saw That Meme

By your internet-savvy friend
 
I see you just sent me a meme. I suspect you thought it would impress me or even elicit laughter.
 
You fool.
 
You cannot even begin to understand the scope of my internet knowledge. My meme repertoire is overflowing, and you think I am going to laugh at some grainy photo with a caption that you found on Facebook? Please, afford me the respect I have earned.

Four Affordable Alternatives to Men When You Are Craving Warmth in the Winter

Winter is here, and along with it comes subzero temperatures, 4pm sunsets, and emotionally empty arrangements to ward of seasonal loneliness. Unfortunately, heating can be unreliable and expensive, which makes it tempting to search for a free heat source in the form of the boy next door. 

But have no fear! Here are four affordable alternatives to men to keep you warm in the winter:

1) A Coat 

Oh God, TED Talk Contains Word Cloud

VANCOUVER - Reports are in that an otherwise interesting TED talk titled “How Friendship Will Transform Democracy” has ceased to relay information about its topic and is currently spending a minute and forty-five seconds on a fucking word cloud.
 

6 Gorgeous Islands Where You Can Catch Some Rays and Hide Your Money from the IRS

A beautiful island

The Republican majority in Congress just passed sweeping tax reform, mostly cutting taxes for corporations and wealthy people like you! Luckily they did nothing to prevent you from hiding your investments in offshore tax havens, like those prudent oligarchs in the Paradise Papers! Here are six gorgeous islands where you can catch some sun and hide your piles of money from the IRS:

A beautiful island

How to Venmo Request Your Boyfriend for All of Your Unpaid Emotional Labor

A Venmo request for $500 addressed to "My Boyfriend" for "Educating you."

Everyone knows that relationships are a lot of work. You have to plan all of your dates, initiate all relationship conversations, and attend to all your partner’s emotional needs … all while staying completely grateful! In fact, relationships can take up so much energy that they become like second jobs. 

Here’s how demand proper compensation by Venmo requesting your boyfriend for all of your unpaid emotional labor: 

1) Open up your Venmo app

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