OAKLAND, CA--Spurred on by a series of shocking events in Oakland that began this spring and continued yesterday, the NBA has added a “choking hazard” warning to its popular Warriors doll collection, while officials at the Consumer Safety Commission have launched a full-fledged investigation into the dolls.
HEAVEN -- In response to months of declining viewership, creative differences, and the general shitshow of human awfulness that has been 2016, Our Heavenly Father announced earlier this morning that the next season of Humanity would be put on hiatus.
"I just don't like where this is going right now," God confirmed in an e-mailed statement. "Zika virus? The Syrian refugee crisis? ISIS? I think the seraphs and I just need to regroup and go back to the drawing board. We'll see where we proceed from there."
I am so glad that Tatte just opened a location in Harvard Square. And the bakery's timing is especially great, since the HUDS strike has just begun! Wow, what a happy coincidence!
After the Harvard Square Panera Bread closed down a few months ago, I experienced a crisis of faith, which spiraled into a bitter depression. I have been praying for hours every day for a sign that all has not been lost. My faith was shaken; what kind of cruel God would allow this to happen?
CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Next week, faculty and students in the VES department are planning on holding a week-long marathon of the 2001 feature film Shrek, citing the film’s high quality and superiority over every other film of every genre ever made. The move comes as a delightful surprise to those who have seen the movie once before, and especially to those who have already seen it ten times.
With the discovery that shifts in the Earth's axis have made the constellation Ophiuchus a thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, astronomers and astrologers alike in a tizzy. These new revelations have made it eminently clear that everything we thought we knew about ourselves, our fellow man, and our universe is utter bullshit. In an attempt to assuage these concerns, NASA has released official new horoscope readings for all thirteen signs.
THE FRAPTURE -- Signaling the End of Days and also the beginning of autumn, today the Pumpkin Spice Latte returned in fulfillment of the scriptures.
"Lo, kneel before your God," said the Pumpkin Spice Latte as it descended from the heavens and landed next to a strip mall Starbucks. Passersby were frozen in their tracks as they took in the awesome sight of the Latte.
HOUSTON, TX -- After returning from a three-year exploratory mission to Jupiter, female astronaut Susan Hannawalt was found to be approximately 30% more stupider. NASA Director Charlie Bolden said in a statement, “We really have no idea what’s causing this, although we’ve sent off blood samples to be tested at Rice College, in order to get more knowledge.” Hannawalt, who has two PhDs, in Astrophysics and Engineering, reportedly dismissed those administering her aptitude test by declaring, “neener neener neener, you guys are all wieners.”
Every single day, we are bombarded with images depicting beauty: on buses and billboards; across social media accounts and magazine covers; in commercials and music videos. Society's perception of the norm of beauty has reached an unattainable - even impossible - level of perfection. We all know what I'm referring to: the iPhone 7 Plus.
It's no secret that your Uber rating can mean the difference between throwing up on yourself on the Quad Shuttle and throwing up on yourself in the back of a stranger's Toyota Corolla after a wild night at the Belltower. But what do these ratings really mean? The crack team of data journalists down at Satire V38 break it down for you:
Your mom set up an uber account in your name and used it once.