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Four Affordable Alternatives to Men When You Are Craving Warmth in the Winter

Winter is here, and along with it comes subzero temperatures, 4pm sunsets, and emotionally empty arrangements to ward of seasonal loneliness. Unfortunately, heating can be unreliable and expensive, which makes it tempting to search for a free heat source in the form of the boy next door. 

But have no fear! Here are four affordable alternatives to men to keep you warm in the winter:

1) A Coat 

Oh God, TED Talk Contains Word Cloud

VANCOUVER - Reports are in that an otherwise interesting TED talk titled “How Friendship Will Transform Democracy” has ceased to relay information about its topic and is currently spending a minute and forty-five seconds on a fucking word cloud.
 

6 Gorgeous Islands Where You Can Catch Some Rays and Hide Your Money from the IRS

A beautiful island

The Republican majority in Congress just passed sweeping tax reform, mostly cutting taxes for corporations and wealthy people like you! Luckily they did nothing to prevent you from hiding your investments in offshore tax havens, like those prudent oligarchs in the Paradise Papers! Here are six gorgeous islands where you can catch some sun and hide your piles of money from the IRS:

A beautiful island

How to Venmo Request Your Boyfriend for All of Your Unpaid Emotional Labor

A Venmo request for $500 addressed to "My Boyfriend" for "Educating you."

Everyone knows that relationships are a lot of work. You have to plan all of your dates, initiate all relationship conversations, and attend to all your partner’s emotional needs … all while staying completely grateful! In fact, relationships can take up so much energy that they become like second jobs. 

Here’s how demand proper compensation by Venmo requesting your boyfriend for all of your unpaid emotional labor: 

1) Open up your Venmo app

7 Unique Casseroles You Can Hide in When Your Relatives Start Asking About Your Relationship Status

1. Come catch your breath in the safety of this baked meal, especially if you want to avoid your family friend who recently got hot!

Enterprising Goat Launches WhenToBleat

PASTURES OF SILICON VALLEY – Billy, an enterprising goat, has launched WhenToBleat, a scheduling tool that allows his brethren to determine mutually convenient times to emit nasally screeches.

“The sheep and the goats were wailing at totally different times,” Billy explained. “It was a hot-mutton issue on the farm—the cows were really bovine themselves.”

Bummer: God Just Announced One Person Gets to Live Forever, But It's Fucking Tim

God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, just decreed that he would make an exception to the rule that everyone has to die. That sounded totally awesome at first, until it turned out that fucking Tim is the one who gets to live forever. What a bummer! 
 
No other human has ever experienced eternal life until Tim, an absolutely pathetic lowlife who takes lunch at his desk while watching YouTube videos on his phone. Who knows what Tim, who once Googled "is it acceptable to go to the movies alone," will do on Earth until the end of time. Unbelievable!

Carbon Dating Fossil Just Wants to Be Friends

Carbon and a dinosaur

CHICXULUB, MEXICO —  After eons of building up a reservoir of courage, Carbon came clean about her relationship with a fossil currently residing on the Yucatan Peninsula, and her suspicions that he takes her for granite.

In an exclusive interview, she confessed, “This relationship has really taken us out of our elements, but I’m just not feeling that binding attraction anymore.”

She plans to inform Fossil tomorrow evening that she wants to take the intensity down an energy level, and that she has been feeling too bound up with nothing to call her own.

Should You Tell Your Crush You Like Him, or Should You Stick Your Head in a Dune Until the Ocean Water Calcifies You?

We’ve all been there: You have a crush on a guy. He’s cute and funny, and you think you’d be great together. But he isn’t making the first move. What’s a girl to do?

On the one hand, you could have a honest, respectful conversation with him. You could say, “Hey! I’m into you, and I’m wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me.” Your frankness just might open the lines of communication between you and your crush.

On the other hand, you could stick your head in a dune for several centuries until the briny ocean water calcifies you. What a tough call!

Quiz: Is Staying in Tonight an Act of Self Care or a Symptom of Depression?

We’ve all been there: you’re sprawled on your shitty futon with an empty bag of off-brand cheese puffs on your ninth episode of Parks and Recreation, thinking, “I’m not sure I want to have any contact with other human beings tonight.” A typical Friday! But we know what you’re wondering: is you staying in tonight an act of radical self-care or a symptom of your crippling depression? Take our quiz to find out!

 

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