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Fulfilling Scriptures, Pumpkin Spice Latte Returns

THE FRAPTURE -- Signaling the End of Days and also the beginning of autumn, today the Pumpkin Spice Latte returned in fulfillment of the scriptures.

"Lo, kneel before your God," said the Pumpkin Spice Latte as it descended from the heavens and landed next to a strip mall Starbucks. Passersby were frozen in their tracks as they took in the awesome sight of the Latte.

First Interplanetary Female Astronaut Returns from Jupiter 30% More Stupider

HOUSTON, TX -- After returning from a three-year exploratory mission to Jupiter, female astronaut Susan Hannawalt was found to be approximately 30% more stupider. NASA Director Charlie Bolden said in a statement, “We really have no idea what’s causing this, although we’ve sent off blood samples to be tested at Rice College, in order to get more knowledge.” Hannawalt, who has two PhDs, in Astrophysics and Engineering, reportedly dismissed those administering her aptitude test by declaring, “neener neener neener, you guys are all wieners.”

Apple Must Stop Perpetuating Unrealistic Beauty Standards

Every single day, we are bombarded with images depicting beauty: on buses and billboards; across social media accounts and magazine covers; in commercials and music videos. Society's perception of the norm of beauty has reached an unattainable - even impossible - level of perfection. We all know what I'm referring to: the iPhone 7 Plus.

What Your Uber Rating Says About You

It's no secret that your Uber rating can mean the difference between throwing up on yourself on the Quad Shuttle and throwing up on yourself in the back of a stranger's Toyota Corolla after a wild night at the Belltower. But what do these ratings really mean? The crack team of data journalists down at Satire V38 break it down for you:
 
5.0
Your mom set up an uber account in your name and used it once.
 
4.6

Flyby's Guide to Being Crushed By Freshman Year

Don't buy your books new

In fact, don't buy them at all. Instead, rely on Wikipedia, Reddit, and Flyby for information. Alternatively, look into illegal downloads. The more illegal software on your new laptop, the better.

Never eat a meal alone

Make sure to bring your childhood imaginary friend along, and refer to them frequently whenever you have real-life company. Don't worry, soon it will just be you and Ghostie in the corner of Annenberg. 

Go to office hours

Game of Thrones Fans Rejoice! George R.R. Martin To Finally Reveal What "R.R." Stands For

Fans of Game of Thrones, the wait is over! The author of A Song of Ice and Fire, George R. R. Martin has finally stated that he will clarify what the R. R. in his name stands for in the next installment in the series. This has been one of the most hotly discussed topics among his fan-base, and we’re finally going to figure it out. Is it Renly Reagon? Reddit Recap? Or will it be an entirely new set of names? The only thing we can be sure of with this author is that it’s going to be a huge surprise.

I’m Gonna Erase the 22nd Amendment

By Nicolas Cage
 
After finding the fabled treasure passed down all the way from the Ancient Egyptians to the American Freemasons (plus whatever else I found in National Treasure 2), some people would think that my taste for wealth and adventure is satisfied. Those people are idiots. I’m Nicolas fucking Cage.
 

Annual Neil Convention Features Panels, Neils

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- The 35th Annual Convention of Neils was held in Indianapolis's Indiana Convention Center this weekend and featured wide-ranging discussions about topics ranging from politics to musical theater and astrophysics. 
 
Approximately 11,500 Neils showed up for the convention, including several expert panels of famous people namedNeil.
 

Non-Woke Portion of Nation Just Wants 50 More Years to Snooze on Every Issue

UNITED STATES -- The segment of the nation that has yet to become woke has requested 50 more years of dormancy. Reporters are told that after being repeatedly prodded to take a closer look at race relations, transgender rights, and poverty, for instance, the non-woke simply mumbled something about colorblindness and went back to sleep. Upon further nudging, the non-woke batted its offenders away, saying, “Just—just 26.3 million more minutes, okay? I set an alarm,” and a peaceful smile returned to its face as it slept.

LEAKED: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Beware, for this article is dark and full of spoilers! Ha, ha, get it? Satire V has obtained exclusive access to some key plot points of the sixth season of Game of Thrones. Here is just some of what this season has in store for Thrones viewers:

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