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Who Said It: Dean Khurana or Mulan?

1. “Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

2. “The mask of perfection wears us down.”

3. “Who am I?”

4. “No-one knows who I am.”

5. “If I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart.”

6. “You’ll die for honor.”

7. “We share the belief that we are here to do something together that none of us could do alone.”

Area Bagel Looking for Breadstick

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Plain Bagel is now looking for the perfect breadstick to fill the hole in her heart.

Bagel’s high standards can be hard for a carb to rise to. “He can’t be too thick or too long, and he kneads to be okay with leaving traditional gender rolls behind,” expressed Bagel. “Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he loaves to jam. My ex-breadstick was always raisin the roof.”

Area Bagel Feels Life Isn’t Whole

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- With the rise in popularity of gluten-free products, many baked goods are struggling to maintain a positive self-image—and a local plain bagel is no exception. Although relatively successful in cafeterias and continental breakfasts everywhere, she has had a long history with low self-esteem, and in recent years this has only gotten worse.

God Friendzoned by Earth Resident

HEAVEN – On Friday, God finally worked up the courage to ask a favorite resident of planet Earth to find a place for Him in her heart. After years of pursuit, His efforts were rewarded with a suggestion that they “just be friends.”

Satire V's Guide To Politically Correct Table Settings

Placemat: This is for finding out how to talk about race with your families. Issues like racism are easily watered down to a placemat. 

Who Said It: Jeb Bush or the Black Knight?

Take Satire V's Newest Quiz! Match the quote to the public figure who's denying hemorrhaging losses!
 
  1. "I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast."
  2. "Come on, you pansy!"
  3. "These polls really don't matter."
  4. " 'Tis but a scratch."
  5. "I'm invincible!"
  6. "I’ll come back and back and back."

Review: El Jefe's Taqueria

By El Jefe

During my annual meeting with Drew Faust, I received a restaurant recommendation from DGF herself - El Jefe’s Taqueria. It was about time my influence made its way beyond the Dominican Republic! Flattered but not surprised by the namesake of the taco joint, I headed inside, my hopes as high as the Pico Duarte mountain. What could be wrong when your restaurant is named after the greatest visionary to ever live?

A Comprehensive Guide to Black Friday Shopping

  1. Make a list. Your shopping will be more efficient if you know what you are going to buy beforehand!
  2. Hunt for some coupons online. It's always good to know the discounts before you go!
  3. Get a good night’s rest—you’ll have to wake up early in order to get all the best deals!
  4. Wake the fuck up. It’s 2 a.m. You overslept.
  5. Drink a Red Bull.
  6. Drink another.
  7. Steal your cousin’s Porsche. It’ll get you to the mall faster.
  8. Throw a flash bang grenade into the store to disorient other customers. Steal their shit.

Where Are They Now?

Bernie Sanders: We loved him during that fiery Democratic debate this week, and guess where he is now! 

 

Bernie hasn’t stepped away from politics. Today he was in Los Angeles talking about seniors’ Social Security cost-of-living adjustments!

 

 

Who Said It? Pope Francis or Jaden Smith?

Take SatireV's newest quiz! Answers at the bottom.
 
  1. Grace is not part of consciousness; it is the amount of light in our souls, not knowledge nor reason.
  2. You Can Discover Everything You Need To Know About Everything by Looking At Your Hands
  3. Right now, we don't have a very good relation with creation.
  4. You Think You Get It. YOU DONT YOU DONT YOU DONT!!!!!!!

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