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Barron Trump, White House Butler Thwart Portrait Thief

WASHINGTON – Barron Trump, the youngest son of President Donald Trump, and White House butler Reginald Yarmouth teamed up yesterday to thwart a would-be portrait thief.

According to a source familiar with the event, the pair was ambling around the East Wing when they spotted a suspicious character.

“Hey Reginald, does anything about that man over there seem strange to you?” asked the young Trump.

Report: Only 3% of Murderers Actually Use Phrase "Foul Play"

BOSTON, MA—Citing his voluminous expertise, local murderer Ted Wilson, 31, substantiated a report by the Bureau of Murder Statistics that only 3% of murderers call murdering ‘foul play.' "All the time in the newspaper I read the phrase 'police suspect the death was the result of foul play,'" Wilson told reporters on Friday, "but real murderers never call it that." 

Office of Student Life Releases List of Uncommon Spaces

While plenty of ink has been spilled over common spaces at Harvard, little attention has been given to more uncommon spaces. Luckily, the Office of Student Life has released a list of uncommon spaces for student reference:
 
1. That space between your bed and the wall where you once dropped a mechanical pencil
 
2. The currently-under-construction basement of Winthrop
 
3. The pocket of your roommate's winter jacket
 
4. Annenberg in the hour in between Breakfast and lunch
 

SeaWorld Ends Captive Human Breeding Program

SAN DIEGO – After fourteen years of rearing their trainers in captivity, SeaWorld announced that they will no longer facilitate the spawning of any humans for their amusement parks. This decision has been long awaited by many human rights activists, who have criticized SeaWorld for their unethical treatment of human trainers.

New Spotify Algorithm Accurately Predicts Music You Want Sara To Think You’re Listening To

Sara being charming and better than you, as always.

STOCKHOLM — After months of research and development, engineers at Spotify have finished a groundbreaking playback algorithm that shows Sara a live feed of the music you are definitely listening to right now. Spotify’s thorough analysis of the beloved iPod Classic you told her must have fallen out of her backpack has mathematically confirmed that convincing Sara you actually like Animal Collective is the key to her bespectacled heart.  

Terry Gross, Diane Rehm Face Off in Epic Cage-Style Interview

FROM NPR NEWS IN WASHINGTON - Public radio hosts Terry Gross and Diane Rehm met for an epic cage-style interview yesterday in an auditorium at American University in Washington, DC.
 
The highly anticipated matchup pits two of America's most beloved national treasures against each other in what some are calling, "Rumble on the Airwaves: Provocative Questions, Provocative Punches in the Face, 2016."
 

5 Common Myths About Mumps

Hi friends,

As many of you know, mumps may or may not be back on campus. Your neighborhood HealthPALs and HUHS are here to make sure people stay healthy, especially after visiting family and while preparing for finals. In order to help you stay safe and be informed, we present these Five Myths and Facts about Mumps: 

Satire V Style: Fascism All the Rage

NEW YORK, NY -- From Paris to London to New York, fascism has taken the world by storm once more.
 
It's a surprise comeback for the form of right-wing authoritarianism. Many naysayers claimed fascism was gone forever. But I'm here to say that, despite huge unpopularity after World War Two, fascism is back, baby.
 

Election Day Mad Libs

Hey, there, [term of endearment]! Welcome to Election Day Mad Libs! Here’s what you need to know to be a(n) [adjective] citizen:

NBA Adds Choking Hazard Warnings to Warriors Dolls

OAKLAND, CA--Spurred on by a series of shocking events in Oakland that began this spring and continued yesterday, the NBA has added a “choking hazard” warning to its popular Warriors doll collection, while officials at the Consumer Safety Commission have launched a full-fledged investigation into the dolls.  

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