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Area Man Swears He’s Usually Able to Pull off Party Trick

ROCHESTER, NY – Sources close to Ronald Simpson, 26, confirmed that, after three attempts, he was unable to flick a beer bottle cap into a garbage can approximately ten feet away at a small party on Saturday night.

Simpson assured those watching, “Normally I can do it. Damnit.” He later pointed out, “These bottle caps are weird, definitely different than the ones I’m used to.”

Pineapple Pizza is Awesome, Man! by Guy Fieri vs. Fuck You by Anthony Bourdain

Pineapple Pizza is Awesome, Man!
 
By Guy Fieri
 
Hey, man! I've heard there's been some controversy surrounding my favorite pizza topping: pineapple. Some people say pineapple doesn't belong on pizza, but they're just party poopers! Put a little pineapple on your pizza, and you'll be riding the bus to Flavor Town in no time, man! Pineapple pizza is off the hook! Alright!
 
Fuck You
 
By Anthony Bourdain
 

Area Nun Just Can’t Break the Habit

BOSTON, MA — Sister Margaret, a local nun, just can’t break the habit. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to rip this thing in half,” said Sister Margaret, as she tried and failed to tear up her traditional head covering.

Sister Margaret has long attempted to break the habit. She wanted to destroy it years ago, but her habit proved too compelling. She once wore a Benedictine replacement patch in hopes of finally kicking her habit to the curb. But every time she gets close to shredding her black-and-white garb, she goes crawling back to her old habit.

BREAKING: Deans Are Beans

An undergraduate investigative team lead by Satire V has made the surprising discovery that the Deans of Harvard College are not, as previously thought, homo sapiens, but, shockingly — beans. 

 

Refried Bean Khurana was quick to reassure students. “We won’t let this uproot our community. We will fry, fry again until we succ-seed in sprouting a stronger community.” 

 

Exclusive: Song Lyrics from Disney's Paul Ryan Musical

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Paul Ryan

Looking like you’re in a slump.

Chris Christie here’d love to be you, Paul Ryan

Even when brown-nosing Trump.

There’s no man in town as reviled as you

You’re everyone’s least fav’rite guy.

Everyone’s not reconciled with you

And it’s not very hard to see whyyy!

 

No

One

Lies like Paul Ryan

Justifies like Paul Ryan

Doesn’t care about poor people's lives like Paul Ryan.

For there’s no man in town half as spineless

Perfect and credibly white.

Community Chest the Rapper Finds $1 Million Bank Error in Favor of Chicago Public Schools

CHICAGO, IL – Not to be outdone by his more famous counterpart Chance, Community Chest the Rapper found a million-dollar bank error in favor of public schools last Thursday.

Point/Counterpoint: Marijuana Should Not vs. Should Be Legalized

Point: Marijuana Should Not Be legalized 
By Jeff Sessions

There is a growing epidemic in this great nation. Several states have legalized recreational marijuana. This is a grave mistake. Wherever drugs go, crime follows. Soon you’ll see violence rise across the nation as a result of this deadly drug.  

Who Said It: Katie Lapp or Fetty Wap?

1.     “You may drop off donations at some open house locations.” 

2.     “When I go to clubs I don’t have to wait outside.”  

3.     “When I go to final clubs I don’t have to wait outside.” 

4.     “Eustace! What is that strange contraption? It’s got the likeness of a horse carriage made of tin!”

5.     “Counting all this bread I don’t talk to feds”

6.     “Counting all this bread I don’t talk to HUDS workers”

7.     “I do this for my squad, I do this for my gang, it’s Zoovie from the trap and ain’t a damn thing change”

MEMES!!

(memes)

Memes,

Here’s one of them now: a meme.

And another meme…here? No? Where would your preferred meme spot be, then?

Oh oh oh, hOO MAN! That’s a meme right there! There it is! 

mEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEme

MEME

MEME

MEME

meme

Même?

No, mEme.

Barron Trump, White House Butler Thwart Portrait Thief

WASHINGTON – Barron Trump, the youngest son of President Donald Trump, and White House butler Reginald Yarmouth teamed up yesterday to thwart a would-be portrait thief.

According to a source familiar with the event, the pair was ambling around the East Wing when they spotted a suspicious character.

“Hey Reginald, does anything about that man over there seem strange to you?” asked the young Trump.

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