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God Friendzoned by Earth Resident

HEAVEN – On Friday, God finally worked up the courage to ask a favorite resident of planet Earth to find a place for Him in her heart. After years of pursuit, His efforts were rewarded with a suggestion that they “just be friends.”

Satire V's Guide To Politically Correct Table Settings

Placemat: This is for finding out how to talk about race with your families. Issues like racism are easily watered down to a placemat. 

Who Said It: Jeb Bush or the Black Knight?

Take Satire V's Newest Quiz! Match the quote to the public figure who's denying hemorrhaging losses!
 
  1. "I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast."
  2. "Come on, you pansy!"
  3. "These polls really don't matter."
  4. " 'Tis but a scratch."
  5. "I'm invincible!"
  6. "I’ll come back and back and back."

Review: El Jefe's Taqueria

By El Jefe

During my annual meeting with Drew Faust, I received a restaurant recommendation from DGF herself - El Jefe’s Taqueria. It was about time my influence made its way beyond the Dominican Republic! Flattered but not surprised by the namesake of the taco joint, I headed inside, my hopes as high as the Pico Duarte mountain. What could be wrong when your restaurant is named after the greatest visionary to ever live?

A Comprehensive Guide to Black Friday Shopping

  1. Make a list. Your shopping will be more efficient if you know what you are going to buy beforehand!
  2. Hunt for some coupons online. It's always good to know the discounts before you go!
  3. Get a good night’s rest—you’ll have to wake up early in order to get all the best deals!
  4. Wake the fuck up. It’s 2 a.m. You overslept.
  5. Drink a Red Bull.
  6. Drink another.
  7. Steal your cousin’s Porsche. It’ll get you to the mall faster.
  8. Throw a flash bang grenade into the store to disorient other customers. Steal their shit.

Where Are They Now?

Bernie Sanders: We loved him during that fiery Democratic debate this week, and guess where he is now! 

 

Bernie hasn’t stepped away from politics. Today he was in Los Angeles talking about seniors’ Social Security cost-of-living adjustments!

 

 

Who Said It? Pope Francis or Jaden Smith?

Take SatireV's newest quiz! Answers at the bottom.
 
  1. Grace is not part of consciousness; it is the amount of light in our souls, not knowledge nor reason.
  2. You Can Discover Everything You Need To Know About Everything by Looking At Your Hands
  3. Right now, we don't have a very good relation with creation.
  4. You Think You Get It. YOU DONT YOU DONT YOU DONT!!!!!!!

The 8 Types of Section Kid

1. The Giver of Wisdom: This student knows a lot about tangentially related material. He wants you to know a lot about it too. Actually, he just wants you to know he knows a lot. If you ask him a question about the material he brought up, he’ll just namedrop more unrelated sources instead. If you ask him about those, he’ll namedrop more. Due to the finite number of texts in the English corpus, if you keep asking he’ll have to mention the assigned reading eventually, but by then section’s already over.   

Who Said It: Bernie Sanders or Deion Sanders?

Take this latest Satire V quiz: Who said it? Bernie Sanders or Deion Sanders?

1. "Sure we're in limos. We're stars. How else is a star supposed to travel?"

2. "If a financial institution is too big to fail, it is too big to exist."

3. "You don't go from a Yugo to a Benz, back to a Yugo."

4. "My God...if you want to run for President, you're going to need a gazillion dollars."

Petraeus: Classified Documents Foreplay is the Best Kind of Foreplay

From the email account of General Patraeus

Yeah, you heard me. I can see it in your eyes, Paula. I can tell you just wanna get your hands on my classified documents. Just like any good biographer.

I don’t think you’re ready for these files. I don’t think you want them bad enough. These are some of the biggest, thickest, juiciest classified documents around. So classified they might be a little hard for you to handle when you get down to, um, reading them.

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