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The 8 Types of Section Kid

1. The Giver of Wisdom: This student knows a lot about tangentially related material. He wants you to know a lot about it too. Actually, he just wants you to know he knows a lot. If you ask him a question about the material he brought up, he’ll just namedrop more unrelated sources instead. If you ask him about those, he’ll namedrop more. Due to the finite number of texts in the English corpus, if you keep asking he’ll have to mention the assigned reading eventually, but by then section’s already over.   

Who Said It: Bernie Sanders or Deion Sanders?

Take this latest Satire V quiz: Who said it? Bernie Sanders or Deion Sanders?

1. "Sure we're in limos. We're stars. How else is a star supposed to travel?"

2. "If a financial institution is too big to fail, it is too big to exist."

3. "You don't go from a Yugo to a Benz, back to a Yugo."

4. "My God...if you want to run for President, you're going to need a gazillion dollars."

Petraeus: Classified Documents Foreplay is the Best Kind of Foreplay

From the email account of General Patraeus

Yeah, you heard me. I can see it in your eyes, Paula. I can tell you just wanna get your hands on my classified documents. Just like any good biographer.

I don’t think you’re ready for these files. I don’t think you want them bad enough. These are some of the biggest, thickest, juiciest classified documents around. So classified they might be a little hard for you to handle when you get down to, um, reading them.

If you send a mouse a birthday text...

If you send a mouse a birthday text, he’ll probably want to “catch up some time”.      

If you vaguely say “that would be nice” he’ll probably want specifics.

LinkedIn and Tinder Announce Merger

Professional networking site LinkedIn and dating app Tinder announced today that the two firms had merged in order to provide users with the "ultimate fusion of work and play." The new 'professional dating' site/app, called LinkedInder, allows people to network as never before. 
 
"We were initially looking for something more casual, but our interests just happened to match! Lets see where this leads..." a corporate officer from Tinder told Satire V.
 

Jews Pissed About Having to Watch Unbroken This Christmas

Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.

Satire V38: How Unexpected Was the Giants’ World Series Championship after Winning Game 7 of the World Series?

As Major League Baseball hands out its individual awards, we are reminded of the emotional rollercoaster that was the 2014 MLB season. Not many expected the San Francisco Giants to capture baseball’s ultimate title, as they were the lowest seeded team in the National League playoffs. However, just how unexpected was the Giants’ run to World Series glory? A study by the Satire V Statistics Bureau found that approximately 100% of teams who win Game 7 of the World Series go on to capture that year’s World Series Championship.

God to Release Sequel to New Testament as Series of Concept Albums

Paradise—News from the Big Man Upstairs has descended from the heavens as God, Infallible Creator of Earth, the Universe, and—admittedly—jeggings, has announced that He will release his long-anticipated follow-up to the New Testament as a series of three concept albums.

“I really dig what’s going on in the alternative scene right now,” said God. “I’m just trying to cash in before it’s too late.”

Who Said It: UChicago Essay Prompt or Insane Clown Posse?

University of Chicago essay prompt? Or Insane Clown Posse?

1. “Little pigs, french hens, a family of bears. Blind mice, musketeers, the Fates. Parts of an atom, laws of thought, a guideline for composition. Omne trium perfectum?”

Reserved Homosexuals Reflect on Quiet Satisfaction Month

With June behind us, thousands of reticent members of the LGBTQ community look back on a month of celebration marked by discretion and an unobtrusive sense of personal fulfillment.

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