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Beyoncé Releases Surprise Baby

The blogosphere went wild last night after Queen Bey released a surprise baby at 8:44pm EST.

It had been just under two years since her last baby, Blue Ivy. The new baby is self-titled.

“I don’t know how she managed to hide it!” wrote one excited blogger. “Months of work, probably dozens of doctor’s appointments, and yet none of us knew a thing about little Beyoncé.”

The baby was released with little fanfare last night. Unlike previous babies, who were released at Lenox Hill Hospital, little Beyoncé was delivered at home.

Room Without a Roof Does Not Feel “Happy”

In a press release given this morning, the room without a roof stated that, contrary to the claims of noted psychiatrist Pharrell Williams, his day to day condition is not a useful barometer by which to measure happiness.

“I’m empty inside,” said the room. “I get that no one particularly wants to bare their furniture to the elements, but even a cheap futon every once in a while would be nice. Maybe some throw pillows. I don’t know.”

Justin Bieber to Replace Late Paul Walker in Fast & Furious 7

Randy Bullock Wins Close Fantasy Matchup

Randy Bullock, kicker for the Houston Texans, came away with a narrow victory over his frat brother Thad last night in a matchup that boiled down to his final field goal attempt in the dying seconds of the fourth quarter of Sunday Night Football.

Ashton Kutcher Saves Two and a Half Men

In a moment of heroism, actor Asthon Kutcher managed to salvage three men from a brutal train wreck, though one escaped with only his torso intact.

After the driver of the train lost control in a cocaine-fueled rage that derailed the locomotive from its already shaky tracks, Kutcher tried desperately to revive the maimed man with his trademark combination of witty humor and youthful sex appeal.

Lincoln Statue: It Was Nice To Have Some “Personal Time.”

Giant Lincoln, who has pretended to be an emotionless statue since 1922, has expressed “immense gratitude” for the chance to be alone for “five, ten minutes, tops” as the government was shut down.

The 50 foot tall Lincoln, who hasn’t been able to spend a night or day by himself in almost 100 years, had been extremely sexually frustrated as “it just wouldn’t be right to do it in front of the security guards.  And that giant legislative dome just staring me in the face.”

Cash4Eggs

Hey Harvard students!  Looking for some extra cash this school year?  Want a tax-deductible job?  Have extra eggs? 

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Jar Jar Binks-Centered Film Surprisingly Well Recieved

Initially skeptical Star Wars fans were shocked earlier this week at their lack of outrage following the release of Star Wars Episode VII: Call of the Gungan.

“Huh,” said Henry Kaminer.

Popes: Where Are They Now?

Clement I
Dead

Eusebius
Dead

Sixtus III
Dead

Benedict XIII 

Expelled from Avignon; dead.

Anastasius IV
Believed to be dead; may be living incognito in Paris out of fear of White Revolution.

Martin V
Dead

Clement IX-XIV
All dead.

John Paul II
In process of canonization. Still dead though.

Mayor Cat Mauled by Dog, Paws Point to Political Motives

The Office of Mayor Cat claims that last week’s attack on Stubbs the cat, mayor of Talkeetna, AK, was politically motivated. On his way to the office last week, a loose dog mauled Stubbs, sending Stubbs to the vet. To few, this comes as a surprise; Stubbs has made some formidable canine foes during his 16 years in office.

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