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Everything Else

God Announces Next Season of Humanity To Be Put On Hiatus

HEAVEN -- In response to months of declining viewership, creative differences, and the general shitshow of human awfulness that has been 2016, Our Heavenly Father announced earlier this morning that the next season of Humanity would be put on hiatus.
"I just don't like where this is going right now," God confirmed in an e-mailed statement. "Zika virus? The Syrian refugee crisis? ISIS? I think the seraphs and I just need to regroup and go back to the drawing board. We'll see where we proceed from there."

Tatte is So Good I Took Out Equity on My Home to Buy Croissants, Please Help

I am so glad that Tatte just opened a location in Harvard Square. And the bakery's timing is especially great, since the HUDS strike has just begun! Wow, what a happy coincidence!
After the Harvard Square Panera Bread closed down a few months ago, I experienced a crisis of faith, which spiraled into a bitter depression. I have been praying for hours every day for a sign that all has not been lost. My faith was shaken; what kind of cruel God would allow this to happen?

VES Department to Hold Week-Long Shrek Marathon

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Next week, faculty and students in the VES department are planning on holding a week-long marathon of the 2001 feature film Shrek, citing the film’s high quality and superiority over every other film of every genre ever made. The move comes as a delightful surprise to those who have seen the movie once before, and especially to those who have already seen it ten times.

NASA Releases Official Horoscopes Including New Zodiac Sign

With the discovery that shifts in the Earth's axis have made the constellation Ophiuchus a thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, astronomers and astrologers alike in a tizzy. These new revelations have made it eminently clear that everything we thought we knew about ourselves, our fellow man, and our universe is utter bullshit. In an attempt to assuage these concerns, NASA has released official new horoscope readings for all thirteen signs.



Fulfilling Scriptures, Pumpkin Spice Latte Returns

THE FRAPTURE -- Signaling the End of Days and also the beginning of autumn, today the Pumpkin Spice Latte returned in fulfillment of the scriptures.

"Lo, kneel before your God," said the Pumpkin Spice Latte as it descended from the heavens and landed next to a strip mall Starbucks. Passersby were frozen in their tracks as they took in the awesome sight of the Latte.

First Interplanetary Female Astronaut Returns from Jupiter 30% More Stupider

HOUSTON, TX -- After returning from a three-year exploratory mission to Jupiter, female astronaut Susan Hannawalt was found to be approximately 30% more stupider. NASA Director Charlie Bolden said in a statement, “We really have no idea what’s causing this, although we’ve sent off blood samples to be tested at Rice College, in order to get more knowledge.” Hannawalt, who has two PhDs, in Astrophysics and Engineering, reportedly dismissed those administering her aptitude test by declaring, “neener neener neener, you guys are all wieners.”

Apple Must Stop Perpetuating Unrealistic Beauty Standards

Every single day, we are bombarded with images depicting beauty: on buses and billboards; across social media accounts and magazine covers; in commercials and music videos. Society's perception of the norm of beauty has reached an unattainable - even impossible - level of perfection. We all know what I'm referring to: the iPhone 7 Plus.

What Your Uber Rating Says About You

It's no secret that your Uber rating can mean the difference between throwing up on yourself on the Quad Shuttle and throwing up on yourself in the back of a stranger's Toyota Corolla after a wild night at the Belltower. But what do these ratings really mean? The crack team of data journalists down at Satire V38 break it down for you:
Your mom set up an uber account in your name and used it once.

Flyby's Guide to Being Crushed By Freshman Year

Don't buy your books new

In fact, don't buy them at all. Instead, rely on Wikipedia, Reddit, and Flyby for information. Alternatively, look into illegal downloads. The more illegal software on your new laptop, the better.

Never eat a meal alone

Make sure to bring your childhood imaginary friend along, and refer to them frequently whenever you have real-life company. Don't worry, soon it will just be you and Ghostie in the corner of Annenberg. 

Go to office hours

Game of Thrones Fans Rejoice! George R.R. Martin To Finally Reveal What "R.R." Stands For

Fans of Game of Thrones, the wait is over! The author of A Song of Ice and Fire, George R. R. Martin has finally stated that he will clarify what the R. R. in his name stands for in the next installment in the series. This has been one of the most hotly discussed topics among his fan-base, and we’re finally going to figure it out. Is it Renly Reagon? Reddit Recap? Or will it be an entirely new set of names? The only thing we can be sure of with this author is that it’s going to be a huge surprise.