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I’m Gonna Erase the 22nd Amendment

By Nicolas Cage
 
After finding the fabled treasure passed down all the way from the Ancient Egyptians to the American Freemasons (plus whatever else I found in National Treasure 2), some people would think that my taste for wealth and adventure is satisfied. Those people are idiots. I’m Nicolas fucking Cage.
 

Annual Neil Convention Features Panels, Neils

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- The 35th Annual Convention of Neils was held in Indianapolis's Indiana Convention Center this weekend and featured wide-ranging discussions about topics ranging from politics to musical theater and astrophysics. 
 
Approximately 11,500 Neils showed up for the convention, including several expert panels of famous people namedNeil.
 

Non-Woke Portion of Nation Just Wants 50 More Years to Snooze on Every Issue

UNITED STATES -- The segment of the nation that has yet to become woke has requested 50 more years of dormancy. Reporters are told that after being repeatedly prodded to take a closer look at race relations, transgender rights, and poverty, for instance, the non-woke simply mumbled something about colorblindness and went back to sleep. Upon further nudging, the non-woke batted its offenders away, saying, “Just—just 26.3 million more minutes, okay? I set an alarm,” and a peaceful smile returned to its face as it slept.

LEAKED: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Beware, for this article is dark and full of spoilers! Ha, ha, get it? Satire V has obtained exclusive access to some key plot points of the sixth season of Game of Thrones. Here is just some of what this season has in store for Thrones viewers:

Newly Unemployed Shamu Alleged Whale-Fare Queen

San Diego, CA—Following SeaWorld’s announcement that it is ending its killer whale shows, grandiose rumors surround the show's former star. Shamu, now known in the sea animal community as a whale-fare queen, has reportedly already spent much of her first unemployment check on swanky living quarters.

“Her new place in the Pacific is so huge, it makes my tank here look like a kiddie pool,” commented an anonymous dolphin friend of Shamu. “And thanks to those food stamps, her fridge is completely packed with organic free-range salmon!”

Five Tips to Help You Reach Your Thesis Word Requirement

With the deadline for your thesis approaching quickly, here is some sound advice to help you make it through. This article should only take a few minutes to read, so you can get back to typing soon.  

 

1. Use the social life you have abandoned as source material.

Slytherin House Title Change

He's literally like vomitting the Basilisk up.

Dear Hogwarts Community of Faculty, House Elves, and Students:

Sun Wishes Humanity Would Shut the Fuck Up About Global Warming, Just Enjoy Warmer Weather

THE SKY -- After a 50-degree day followed a chlling weekend of below-zero temperatures, the Sun let off some steam and complained about Earth residents' whining.

“Frankly, it’s getting a little tiresome,” said the Sun, referring to mankind’s newfound tendency to glance nervously at the sky and make a lame joke about the perks of global warming instead of just enjoying the warmer day. In an exclusive interview with Satire V today, the bright center of the Solar System was visibly upset that no one was appreciating the warmer weather he had worked so hard on.

Who Said It: Dean Khurana or Mulan?

1. “Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

2. “The mask of perfection wears us down.”

3. “Who am I?”

4. “No-one knows who I am.”

5. “If I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart.”

6. “You’ll die for honor.”

7. “We share the belief that we are here to do something together that none of us could do alone.”

Area Bagel Looking for Breadstick

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Plain Bagel is now looking for the perfect breadstick to fill the hole in her heart.

Bagel’s high standards can be hard for a carb to rise to. “He can’t be too thick or too long, and he kneads to be okay with leaving traditional gender rolls behind,” expressed Bagel. “Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he loaves to jam. My ex-breadstick was always raisin the roof.”

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