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Tickle Monster Mauls Three-Year-Old

CLEVELAND, TN— An escaped and possibly feral tickle monster entered an area home on Monday, leaving one three-year-old in critical condition, and two other children with serious cases of the giggles.

Scientists Find Endangered Animals Inside “Chinese Turducken”

After the People’s Republic of China announced its most recent American knock-off, the Chinese Thanksgiving, the government introduced the holiday’s new signature dish: the Chinese turducken.

However, the worldwide environmental community has expressed outrage after scientists analyzed prototypes of the Chinese turduckens and found traces of Liger, Panda and Snow leopard.

Undiscovered Street Marketing Genius Definitely Going to be Famous

When I first sat down to interview Ziggy Crabtree, I was in total fangirl mode. Many are heralding Mr. Crabtree’s genius and somewhat unconventional combinations of random nouns as the real future of product development. Ideas such as: “cats, but with cell phones” are making industry leaders feverish with the idea of such innovation.

Mormon Underwear Undergoes Revamp

In place of the modest two-piece, the Church of Latter-Day Saints now offers a wide array of red, hot-pink, and leather thongs, ass-less chaps, and more. The Mormon community is buzzing about this exciting change.

“I can’t wait to throw on a Jeee-sus string,” said grinning former-presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “It will only be More-man on display,” he chuckled, “But really, it turns me on.”

Even Glenn Beck showed some excitement at the news.

“It’s just so liberating,” he said, sporting a fluffy pink brassiere. “I’ve never felt so giddy.”

Child Learns Canada Isn't Real

On Thursday, at approximately 3:45 pm, Steve Windgate, age 9, returned home from school with a bloody nose and clothes covered in dirt. Mrs. Windgate, a Women and Gender Studies professor at nearby Galbraith College, immediately rushed to her son to find out what had happened.

            “I got in a fight with some kids at school.”

            Mr. Windgate, ponytail possessor and proprietor of local organic food store ‘Native Sigh’, demanded an explanation for the boy’s behavior.

“Feels like a Second Skin”- Yahoo Shine! Loves Skintimates

Do you often notice your gloves getting in the way of everyday activities like gardening, digging graves, and texting your BFF on your smartphone?

Many consumers share the same problem.

- “I had to compromise between holding hands with my best girl and being warm. This is the best of both worlds!” – Ed from Plainfield, Wisconsin, a butcher.

It’s not a hand but it’s not a glove either. IT’S BOTH! 

New Skintimates™ offer a combination of comfort through the hottest new material, you guessed it, human skin. 

Teacher Attacks Student’s Cargo Pants

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Charles Carroll High School teacher Lynette Gaymon is in trouble again this week after aggressively criticizing 6th grader Shaun Welch for wearing a pair of cargo pants to class. 

Gaymon allegedly told the 11-year-old Welch that he “looked like he got dressed inside a darkened Old Navy” and that she “wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry” when the boy defended himself by referring to the pants as “comfy.”

Horse Parliament Deadlock Continues

Monday evening for the 3,491st week in a row the Horse Parliament failed to pass any legislation. After days of frantic negotiation in preparation for Monday’s vote, many had high hopes but at the end of the day, every piece of legislation proposed was voted down by a margin of 100 “Nays.” For whatever reason, the horse MPs were unanimous in their disapproval.  The news is sure to stirrup emotions, especially among those chomping at the bit to overturn the ruling party.

Darth Vader Arrested in France For Violating Burqa Ban

Darth Vader, a senior figure in the government of the Intergalactic Empire, has been arrested while holidaying on the French Riviera for violating France’s ban on wearing the burqa in public spaces.

France’s government has refused to release Mr. Vader, stating that the law applied equally to all, and placed him in a high-security cell after he attempted to use Jedi mind tricks to try and convince the prison guards to release him.

Man Shows Up to Fantasy Football Draft Dressed as Wizard

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