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Petraeus: Classified Documents Foreplay is the Best Kind of Foreplay

From the email account of General Patraeus

Yeah, you heard me. I can see it in your eyes, Paula. I can tell you just wanna get your hands on my classified documents. Just like any good biographer.

I don’t think you’re ready for these files. I don’t think you want them bad enough. These are some of the biggest, thickest, juiciest classified documents around. So classified they might be a little hard for you to handle when you get down to, um, reading them.

If you send a mouse a birthday text...

If you send a mouse a birthday text, he’ll probably want to “catch up some time”.      

If you vaguely say “that would be nice” he’ll probably want specifics.

LinkedIn and Tinder Announce Merger

Professional networking site LinkedIn and dating app Tinder announced today that the two firms had merged in order to provide users with the "ultimate fusion of work and play." The new 'professional dating' site/app, called LinkedInder, allows people to network as never before. 
 
"We were initially looking for something more casual, but our interests just happened to match! Lets see where this leads..." a corporate officer from Tinder told Satire V.
 

Jews Pissed About Having to Watch Unbroken This Christmas

Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.

Satire V38: How Unexpected Was the Giants’ World Series Championship after Winning Game 7 of the World Series?

As Major League Baseball hands out its individual awards, we are reminded of the emotional rollercoaster that was the 2014 MLB season. Not many expected the San Francisco Giants to capture baseball’s ultimate title, as they were the lowest seeded team in the National League playoffs. However, just how unexpected was the Giants’ run to World Series glory? A study by the Satire V Statistics Bureau found that approximately 100% of teams who win Game 7 of the World Series go on to capture that year’s World Series Championship.

God to Release Sequel to New Testament as Series of Concept Albums

Paradise—News from the Big Man Upstairs has descended from the heavens as God, Infallible Creator of Earth, the Universe, and—admittedly—jeggings, has announced that He will release his long-anticipated follow-up to the New Testament as a series of three concept albums.

“I really dig what’s going on in the alternative scene right now,” said God. “I’m just trying to cash in before it’s too late.”

Who Said It: UChicago Essay Prompt or Insane Clown Posse?

University of Chicago essay prompt? Or Insane Clown Posse?

1. “Little pigs, french hens, a family of bears. Blind mice, musketeers, the Fates. Parts of an atom, laws of thought, a guideline for composition. Omne trium perfectum?”

Reserved Homosexuals Reflect on Quiet Satisfaction Month

With June behind us, thousands of reticent members of the LGBTQ community look back on a month of celebration marked by discretion and an unobtrusive sense of personal fulfillment.

Beyoncé Releases Surprise Baby

The blogosphere went wild last night after Queen Bey released a surprise baby at 8:44pm EST.

It had been just under two years since her last baby, Blue Ivy. The new baby is self-titled.

“I don’t know how she managed to hide it!” wrote one excited blogger. “Months of work, probably dozens of doctor’s appointments, and yet none of us knew a thing about little Beyoncé.”

The baby was released with little fanfare last night. Unlike previous babies, who were released at Lenox Hill Hospital, little Beyoncé was delivered at home.

Room Without a Roof Does Not Feel “Happy”

In a press release given this morning, the room without a roof stated that, contrary to the claims of noted psychiatrist Pharrell Williams, his day to day condition is not a useful barometer by which to measure happiness.

“I’m empty inside,” said the room. “I get that no one particularly wants to bare their furniture to the elements, but even a cheap futon every once in a while would be nice. Maybe some throw pillows. I don’t know.”

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