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existential crisis

Am I...Real?

Santa Claus, with a space background
Lately, I have been hearing some troubling rumblings from the children. Little Timmy in Topeka told the rest of his second grade class that I am not "real." Isn't that hilarious? Mrs. Claus would be very disappointed to find out that I am not real!
 
I am definitely real, Timmy. I am merely an aged, rotund man, who lives in secrecy in an inhospitable locale and delivers toys to children...all around the world...in one single night...from a sleigh pulled by flying forest creatures.... Hmm. Now that you mention it, that does seem highly improbable.
 

Harvard to Remain Open Despite Severe Storm of Apathy, Depression

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a controversial statement issued to the Harvard community last night over email, Dean of Administration Leslie Kirwan outlined that, despite an imminent 8-12 percent increase in faculty and administrators pondering the terrifying meaninglessness of life, the university will continue operations as usual.

“As always, the safety of our students, faculty, and staff is paramount,” wrote Kirwan. “I mean, I think so. I don’t know. We’re all going to die anyway.”

Area Child Can’t Wait For Crushing Bleakness of Adulthood

BOSTON, MA –- After accompanying his father on bring-your-child-to-work day, local second grader Timmy Smith couldn’t wait to just grow up already and be a real-life adult.

“I just want to be able to do all the intellectually stimulating stuff my dad does. Today for example, he’s been on the computer for six hours straight and no one’s told him ‘time up’s’ or ‘you have to share,’” he noted.

Timmy was quick to describe the tribulations of second-grade life.

Kirkland-Eliot Fire Does Not Interrupt Evening Existential Crisis

Cambridge, MA — Though students briefly evacuated Kirkland and Eliot Houses on Monday evening after a small electrical fire broke out, the situation reportedly did not impede students’ regular evening existential crises.