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Less Favorite Grandma Announces Plans to Die at Pretty Inconvenient Time for You

GAMMY'S HOUSE – At a press conference this afternoon, your less favorite grandmother "Gammy Florida" announced her plans to die at a pretty inconvenient time for you.
 
"I've decided to pass into the Great Beyond next week, just two days before that midterm for which you've been studying for weeks," said Gammy Florida, who never really seemed to take a liking to you anyway. "And I insist that my funeral be here in Florida, so that the entire family has to book flights on short notice."
 

BREAKING: NASA Discovers Alternate Universe Where You Lead Happy, Fulfilling Life

WASHINGTON - Earlier today, NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope revealed the first-ever alternate universe in which you experience satisfaction and a healthy sense of self-worth on a fairly regular, day-to-day basis. This alternate universe is located just beyond galaxy GN-z11 and is not only thought to contain several habitable planets with liquid water, but also to be one in which an otherwise indistinguishable version of you goes through their day without periodically contemplating your strained relationship with your family and what you're really working this hard for.
 

Harvard to Remain Open Despite Severe Storm of Apathy, Depression

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a controversial statement issued to the Harvard community last night over email, Dean of Administration Leslie Kirwan outlined that, despite an imminent 8-12 percent increase in faculty and administrators pondering the terrifying meaninglessness of life, the university will continue operations as usual.

“As always, the safety of our students, faculty, and staff is paramount,” wrote Kirwan. “I mean, I think so. I don’t know. We’re all going to die anyway.”

Holy Shit, What the Fuck is THAT?

By Paul Jacobson
 
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, what in God's name is that? What do you mean, What am I talking about? I'm talking about THAT. Right there, below my left elbow. Can't you see it? Yes, THAT.
 
Do you think it could be cancerous? Fuck, I just can't deal with that right now. What am I supposed to tell my wife? We just took out a mortgage, and we have another kid on the way. FUCK. I should have paid more attention in chemistry class.
 

Sophomore Finds Cockroach in Quad Double, Loses All Faith

Emily A. Glennbury ‘16 was “shocked, saddened and entirely existentially disillusioned” to find a cockroach in her Cabot double this Friday.
 
“At first, I thought it was a piece of brownie,” said Glennbury, referring to the dessert she had managed to snag from Cabot before they ran out, which often happens because a surprising number of people actually do come to its brain break.