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Sorry For Not Protecting Your Information, You Dumb Fucks

A clear photo of Mark Zuckerberg against a white background
Dear Facebook community,
 
You may have heard that a political consulting firm associated with Steve Bannon gained access to information from more than 50 million Facebook user profiles. This is a breach of trust. I am sorry for not preventing it, you motherfucking imbeciles who "skimmed" the terms and conditions.
 

Facebook’s “On This Day” Offers Daily Reminder You Were Weird as Fuck in Middle School

a Facebook "On This Day" graphic

THE BLACK HOLE OF THE INTERNET—Reports surfaced on Tuesday that the only real accomplishment of Facebook's "On This Day" feature is offering you a helpful daily reminder that you were weird as fuck in middle school.

Rather than bringing back good memories or reconnecting you with old friends—the feature's intended purposes, probably—all that "On This Day" manages to do is remind you that you used to write Facebook statuses in the third person. You, a moron, would start your posts with verbs.

Heterosexual Male Finally Musters Courage To Use the Facebook Love React

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Despite having avoided the button since its inception out of fear of being seen as emotional, and therefore gay, area straight af dude Brock Stone reacted "Love" to a post on a content aggregator Facebook page earlier today.
 

Man Doesn't Usually Post Political Stuff, But

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a shocking turn of events, Currier House resident Daniel B. Smith ‘19, who describes himself as “usually not the type to post this kind of thing” has regardless decided to post a political message on Facebook anyway. Smith classified his post as “too important to ignore”, noting that “the stakes are simply too high”. He described the issue in his post as “problematic” and called for his friends to “get the word out to as many people as possible”.

Area Mom Excited to Reclaim Facebook Newsfeed Dominance Since Election End

WESTON, MA — After learning the election news cycle has finally died down, local mother Carol Danforth was reported to be eagerly anticipating the opportunity to flood her family and friends' news feeds with life updates and Despicable Me minion quote images.

“It’s been pretty difficult these past few months. Because of all the shared election content over social media, the average likes on my food blog posts and anti-vaccine infographics has gone down from 5 to 3,” said Danforth.

Mouse Sitting Alone in Winthrop Dhall Just Doing Some Work

WINTHROP HOUSE--Area mouse and Winthrop House resident Cheesers McLongtail was spotted sitting alone in the Winthrop dining hall and browsing Facebook on his computer. However, when approached by his friend Gabrielle Young '17, McLongtail claimed he was "just getting some work done before the weekend."

 

Facebook Tired of Being Used, Wants Real Connection

PALO ALTO, CA -– After passing the 1.5 billion users mark and celebrating a dozen years online in the past few months, Facebook solidified its position as the world’s largest social network. However, the website has begun to feel that its many connections, though notable, are disturbingly superficial.

“It’s like I know people, but I don’t know people,” one server communicated via binary. “I want to understand more than just the image my 'friends' put out on social media.”

Area Man ‘Likes’ Dead Dog Facebook Post Anyway

DENVER, CO -- While casually perusing his Facebook timeline, area teen George Howard scrolled past a post highlighting the recent death of his neighbor’s cousin’s boyfriend’s dog, Sparky. After reading both the five paragraph essay and a commemorative, original poem entitled “An Ode to Sparky,” he stared into the eyes of the now-deceased puppy in the photograph attached below the status update.

Nation’s Uncles Mobilize For Next Round of Racist Facebook Posts

North Charleston, SC—Following the news that North Charleston police officer Michael Slager would face homicide charges following the death of Walter Scott, a coalition of bigoted uncles from across the United States announced their readiness to say hateful things about African-Americans on Facebook at a moment’s notice.

"Facebook Famous" Freshman Eats Dinner Alone in Annenberg

Jerry Harper, a freshman who has befriended over 65% of the class of 2017 on Facebook, has eaten dinner alone in Annenberg for the 30th time this semester.