DENVER, CO -- While casually perusing his Facebook timeline, area teen George Howard scrolled past a post highlighting the recent death of his neighbor’s cousin’s boyfriend’s dog, Sparky. After reading both the five paragraph essay and a commemorative, original poem entitled “An Ode to Sparky,” he stared into the eyes of the now-deceased puppy in the photograph attached below the status update.

North Charleston, SC—Following the news that North Charleston police officer Michael Slager would face homicide charges following the death of Walter Scott, a coalition of bigoted uncles from across the United States announced their readiness to say hateful things about African-Americans on Facebook at a moment’s notice.

Jerry Harper, a freshman who has befriended over 65% of the class of 2017 on Facebook, has eaten dinner alone in Annenberg for the 30th time this semester.