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White Uncle Convinced Nephew Just Hasn't Heard The Right Racist Joke Yet

BROOKLYN, NY — Reports are in that despite previous failed attempts to lighten the dinnertime mood with prior racist jokes, local uncle Everett Smith is convinced that the next joke will finally open his nephew Steve’s eyes to the world of making fun of disadvantaged minorities. Despite his nephew’s repeated gentle, yet firm affirmations that he finds these jokes distasteful and not very funny, Everett knows deep down that once he finds the right racist joke, it will open a world of joke prejudice to him he’s currently keeping tragically bottled up.
 

7 Unique Casseroles You Can Hide in When Your Relatives Start Asking About Your Relationship Status

1. Come catch your breath in the safety of this baked meal, especially if you want to avoid your family friend who recently got hot!

Aunt Arleen Suddenly Expert in Foreign Policy

GRAND RAPIDS, MN -- Upon arriving at the McAvoy residence for his winter break, Francis McAvoy, 21, discovered that his maternal aunt Arleen Schaffer had suddenly become an expert in American foreign policy. McAvoy was impressed by his aunt's clear knowledge of the immigration crisis during a twenty-minute, red wine-driven press conference over dinner about how the U.S. should deny asylum to refugees.

Harvard Student Returns Home for Thanksgiving to “Catch Up, Grab a Meal” with Family

Sources confirmed earlier today that Eric West ’18, a Chemical and Physical Biology concentrator, has returned home for Thanksgiving to “catch up and grab a meal” with his family.

“I’ve been just been so busy, you know,” said West, who has called the people who gave birth to him a total of three times since the semester started, one of which was to ask what the family Netflix password was. “But it’s great seeing you guys. We should totally do this again sometime!”

China Fucking Over It

In a recent interview with SatireV, China stated that it was “over this shit, just like, really over it.” The last few years have been trying for eldest brother China as he deals with his younger siblings (Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands) and their tantrums.

"You know, I fought hard to get Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands from that bastard Japan and his bitch of a new wife, England. I fought because it was important that we be a family again; the foster system does terrible things to a growing nation.”

Family Can't Agree on Pizza Toppings, Shuts Down

San Diego, CA: The Marshall family ceased all non-essential family functions today, following a shut down caused by the family's inability to agree on either a pepperoni or cheese pizza for delivery.

Under the shut down, signing of school permission slips, purchasing of food for the family's cat, trips to Grandma's house, and basic familial love will be suspended indefinitely.

"I'm sick of it," fumed Janet Marshall.  "My husband is pulling the same kind of brinksmanship that led to the family game night fiasco.  He needs stop holding this family hostage."