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Final Club

You Wouldn’t Have Any Single Gender Group Issues If You Were All Rotifers Like Me

So, I’ve heard a lot about your problems with these final clubs, single-gender organizations, and whatnot. Well, boy do I have something to say to you: you wouldn’t be having any of these single gender organization problems if you were all rotifers like me. 

Yes, rotifers. I never have to worry about these issues, as my parthenogenic relatives and I self-propagate in peace in our lakes. Yes, the Bdelloid way is the best way. My many, many identical lophotrocozoate larvae and I live in perfect, agendered harmony.

Other Things that the Porcellian Club Has a Loose Definition Of

Nepotism

The Clitoris

Trickle-Down

Diversity 

Foreplay

Party

Harmless

Business-Casual

No

Middle Class

Trust

Anachronism

Bike Room

Secret

Opinion Piece

Probability 

Property

Reservations at the Dorsia

Open door policy

PC Culture

Pork

Delphic Worried It No Longer Most Disliked Final Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following the Porcellian Club’s public statement against coed final clubs, the membership of the Delphic Club are now worrying that their status as Harvard’s least likable final club, long accepted and a point of pride for the organization, may be in doubt.

Fox Club Closed After "Cootie Outbreak"

44 JFK ST., CAMBRIDGE, MA – The graduate board of the Fox Club was forced to take drastic action towards their undergraduate members in recent weeks, resulting in the closure of the clubhouse due to what has been reported as a “cootie outbreak" following the admission of women into the club. This closure comes as a shock after female members were invited to join the club in what has been heralded as an “historic move.”

Inspired By Khurana Reflection Email, Spee Club Changes Punch Policy

Early Friday morning, the Spee Club-- one of Harvard's eight all-male final clubs-- announced that its members had voted to welcome all genders in the club's upcoming punch. According to Spee Club president Matthew E. Lee '16, the members were inspired to reflect on their club's longstanding policies after reading Dean Rakesh Khurana's latest email calling for reflection.
 

List of Phonix Club Members Leaked

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scandal erupted at the Maria L. Baldwin School this week when a full list of the Phonix-S.C. Club’s membership was anonymously leaked on the Internet via the website iminafirstgradeclub.com in what the website’s creators describe as an effort to promote discourse about issues of enunciation and vocal sounds on campus.

Progressive Final Club Member Asks: "Why Can't We Punch Women?"

Image credit: http://thumbnails.thecrimson.com.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/2013/09/29/194757_1289722.jpg.800x531_q95_crop-smart_upscale.jpg

The following was sent to us by a member of one of Harvard’s all-male social organizations referred to as “final clubs.” He wishes to remain anonymous.

 

As I begin another year here at Harvard, I find myself once again considering the outmoded gender norms of our still-insular society, particularly among the final club crowd. As the semester kicks into gear and the leaves begin to change, a question I’ve thought about for quite a while now is beginning to irk me anew: Why can’t we punch women?

Lowell House Residents File Noise Complaint Against The Owl

Image credit: Ringware.com

Cambridge—Yesterday, residents of Lowell House Suite C-12 filed a noise complaint against the Owl Club. Located a stone’s throw from the club, the suite’s windows face east, receiving the brunt of its thumping beats and the enthusiastic dialogue of the building’s many frequenters.

The complaint comes one day after the club’s first punch event of the Fall, which in years past have come to be known as a coming of age event for bright sophomores and desperate juniors alike. 

Final Clubs Change Name of "Punch" to "Stroke"

In an effort to make the joining process for prospective members less threatening, the  eight presidents of Harvard’s final clubs met this week and determined to change the name of the process from “punching” to “stroking”. 

Flyby Reporter Getting Great Details For Final Club Survey

Mark “The Scoop” Sabbert, Flyby’s premier inside man, is two drinks away from getting some great details for the Crimson’s Flyby Final Club survey.   Holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in his left hand, Sabbert struggles to open his notepad as he interviews a member of the Owl club.

“Oh god, I, I don’t, I don’t even know which club this is.  Hello?  Is this the SPEE?  SPEE CLUB?  No?  Oh.  Can I, CAN I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS? HELLO?”